Remembering a Day or Two in my Personal Journal.

Before I let you peek into one of my days (from my own personal journal way back September) I would like to ask your forgiveness if you are one of the persons involved in my life that I had to write about you, of course, according to how I see, feel, hear and understand you. And for those who would like to just peek, you are welcome to read along my life. It's nothing secret. in fact it's an open book. The reason why I am posting this is because, first, I didn't have the senses to post this during those times it happened, and second, I had so much fun that day I couldn't just let it be hidden in my files. This is me. I hope you can relate. and please excuse my use of words. God bless everyone who stop by this page!

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September 23, 2010 / Thursday
3:12AM / Homebound office table

I started the day past 1PM of September 22, 2010 up until now. I have spent 14hours awake and still pondering what have been done productively throughout my day. For some of my housemates, this time is their waking up time. Alarms are sounding loudly and just as I expected, someone already wake up from that alarm noise. Me and mam maj and sir jonarc is yet to end the day and the rest of the world is just starting a brand new day.

just an hour ago,  i focused on studying CSS, DIV, and any w3c topic to help me improve on my web design career. i was just in awe to find out theres so many things i am inocent of in the world of web development and i was professing it! theres so many things i need to learn and be expert of. wow..

my eyes are tired now, been staring and working on the face of the computer.. but i want to gain something from todays work. i wont sleep until i have added to my knowledge in this career im professing.

today's thursday. we will be heading for crossover gathering later in the evening. but then again, we are yet to sleep the rest for yesterdays. we have a broken schedule, a broken management of our physical body to fit thru the time given us. we must endure this tough times until we master the management of ourselves to it. let the grace of God change us though.

What happens with the rest of Thursday?
here it goes...

after the 3 of us headed to sleep, i just couldnt find tiredness and dizziness until it was 5AM. so i just hooked on reading the book DO HARD THINGS by the Harris twins, the one who begins the Rebelution blog movement. i got so caught of with the whole thing in the book and cant put it down until my eyes couldnt handle the heaviness anymore. the sun is brightly lit as i see darkness all over..im already asleep.

when i wake up at 11:30AM,  it was just me and mam maj in the bed and i wake her up also. we wrestle for an hour then we get to our time of devotion, that was 12:30pm.

we, all in the house, ate lunch and it was so much fun, we make fun of mam maj's having prayer chain sort of prayer..like i thought it was no end..hehe if you know her, you'll know what i mean.

i washed the dishes then take a little look at my computer. then bathe 30mins or more i think.

i get ready to leave the house. im on my way to meeting the supplier of our reserved order of FOOD PROCESSOR. little did i know that hey i think she might soon be our buseness partner this coming december. her name was Chrismina perez and she was cool, and she might be in her late 30's but she still look young and cool with her red super cool car that she drives. i was amazed at how she do her buseness, she is full of marketing in her lips that she offered so many things and business in that less than 20mins of our meeting.

anyway, it was over, not much of reflection as to when i was riding the MRT and saw the clouds darken. it was already 5:30PM and im headed home. and the clouds in view from the MRT glass window looks so calm and peaceful and i was amazed because for the first time in a long time i was able to witness the beauty of night on the train. and there was so many people inside it riding with me, busy involved with their own life. i just thought, what if all these people belongs to a cellgroup, and that lives were changing everyday? i was particularly eyeing one woman sitting across where i sit, get something from her bag, a headset, and something fallen from getting that headset, a bus ticket. and the saddest of all that portrait is that she didnt picked the ticket, she just ducked her head to check if it was something important but when she saw that it was just a ticket, she act like she didnt care. and i just thought of picking that paper in front of her and put that trash in my bag to make her see what she ignored. but then again, it was just a thought.

i arrived home bringing the good news to all, and we're all excited to checked all that was included in the box. then suddenly i remembered there was KFC twister in my bag, i bought from trinoma. we divided it into 5 and me, mam maj, jen, and nanay - mom of jaynie, take part of it. 1 part was left and i took it.

we waited, convinced, and drag sir jonarc to come with us to crossover. he was struggling with his emotion, (or failure) that made his option not go to crossover. but we had him bathe, dressed, and ready to go.

the topic is about EXCESS BAGGAGE and it was really a waking up sense for me personally to hear it from ate ria. it was moving me, and i know it was moving all of us. we cannot run the race prepared for us if we are carrying too much excess baggage. it could be fear, problems, sickness, bitterness..etc.. i resolved to give it ALL to God, remove it from my life. and as much as i want to, i want that too for the rest of us. we all had this excess baggage we carry and seems so fragile we kept it well taken care of. but now we resolved it. i just prayed i laid evething to God. i fear so much about stepping in to something BIG for my life. like being a guide for this weeks encounter. i couldnt find confidence in myself but then again, it was my dream since i became a Christian to do something great for His kingdom, and having been given that kind of task, of responsibility is something for me. because it was something i never tried or done in my entire human life.

we got back home. i almost want to forgot the part that we run to the LRT station to catch up with dhalia because she want to runaway from us, she want to be alone. shes also in a deep battle. so many attack. we make it a point that she is not on her own with this, we are with her no matter what. we prayed for her before we parted.

back to home, we ate dinner, steamed siomai and a well celebrated night. but sir jonarc was missing the fun, missing the action again. he went out.

and that wraps up THURSDAY.

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September 24, 2010 / Friday
5:08AM / Tambayan couch sa taas

here i am. still awake. i just had my drink of Milo, my second since we had dinner. already brushed my teeth, drank SALA bottle size of water.

the story from the wrap up of Thursday continue. we havent sleep yet,  me and mam maj, while everybody else snores already. sir jonarc still not around by the time we check on the clock, it was 4AM. then a few minutes later he arrived. and he said he's okay now, much better, already settled the matter while on his melancholic walk somewhere outside. he has gotten far and thankful as we are that he finds his way back home. but behind all this occuring, something else was happening, hehe, beside me is mam maj all time,  worrying about him.

in my heart i know sir jonarc is just my twin brother when it comes to this melancholic side of being depressed and emotional swings. i can understand him while mam maj is like a rocking chair always worrying, but never gets her anywhere.

anyway, my head right now is heavy. finding some sleep. i am yet to pray. be with me. aja!

Coming Back to Senses

As I was reflecting through the past months that I've been away from my world, my own personal page, my voice in the air, I noticed that it's been almost half a year that I've been letting my passion and love for words to wither along with time as it grew old. I was stuck somewhere between my unwillingness to leave the comfort of being common, of being ordinary and naive, and the idleness of my own mind. I once heard from our Pastor one Sunday, during those times I was lost in thoughts and lost in all aspect, that everything starts in the mind, that's why it is important to keep on renewing the mind, that even idleness needs to be dealt in the mind first. Because thoughts produce actions and when thoughts dont think, hands and feet dont move either.

The last time I put words into a page, it was a struggle for me during those time as I tried to recall them. It was the CROSSROAD moment of my life. I had a job in an automations company where I used to handle the position of a Support Engineer. I was somehow leading a team but I dont consider myself the head of my team because I was looking down on myself during those times. As I was saying, it was really a struggle. Both my soul and spirit, and my salary was struggling. I couldnt provide my family what was expected of me, and financial demands was choking me. It was during those times my own dreams died down, I was lacking the courage to continue. Fire in my heart slowly turning to ashes. But it was also during those times I grew stronger in faith. Leaving behind the life of pen and paper was hard but then, I started to embrace the new life being given to me, the life of complete surrender. I knew in my heart that inspite of all my troubles, and all these stuggles that takes away my dreams and hopes, there is a God, whom I dearly loved, and I knew He is in control of everything and I knew that He loves me and cared for me. And for that I have all the reasons to fight and continue.

I call it devotion. where can a writer start being one? Of course, as a Christian woman, I believe that my devotion has been a very significant part of my life as a person, as a visionary, as a fighter. It is in my daily connection and interaction with my Creator that I see myself getting fixed. It is when I'm deep in the presence of God that I get a direction in life. And now is the time I get back on track, I get back to this life I've always dreamed living. A completely surrendered life to the God, the giver, the maker of my dreams.

It took me almost half a year pondering, wandering, struggling, learning the faith that is now waking my senses. I can smell again the breeze of a new day, a fresh start. I can see ahead the path of hope, that there is a God who will always inspire me to go back to life, to light, and I love it. I can touch life once again, I can feel a new beat inside my heart, dancing in praise to a great new day. I can hear the sound of art all around me, the busyness of the streets and traffic, the sound of family sleeping so tight as I am writing this thoughts, I
hear the Voice of my dream calling back on me, reverberating the strength and endurance for the coming days.

This is me, sharing a life. This is the air I breathe. The words of my dreams. God bless the works of our hands! (Malachi 3:10-11)

soon

will see you all soon..

Unbreakable

God I want to dream again...

take me where I've never been. 

I want to go there. 

This time I'm not scared.

acousticandie's passion

acousticandie is learning to play guitar again after a long time...
my nails broke again..teaching  myself again on the basics...
I almost forgot all the songs i wrote from a long time of not playing it...
but it will always be in my heart to play..
music is my life..poetry is my language..
though i hid them in the drawer for a very long time..
i am regaining the passion to bring it back again, unlock those boxes, it might surprise me..
i might try to write again and play with simple chords..
but my voice..oh my voice! they're starting to hate me..
the only reason why i throw the towel way back ages is because music is in my heart but not in my voice...
it is a gift i receive but my body rejects..
hmm.. i might as well learn to count..
maybe another passion will wake up in my senses..
the passion to move gracefully...
the passion to DANCE..

Remembering How to Fight...

Yesterday, i could not consider it at all the beginning of the conquest. what is it really that i aim to conquer? what is my sole purpose in this whole conquering idea really? i am lost and scattered in the past week. and yesterday is just an extension of it. and i have felt even worst than those days that i didnt care. only yesterday i totally screw everything.

i lost total sense of sanity and did everything backwards. i did not push for what i believe is right and just. i was totally out of sanity. i felt scared and weak and careless. i want to scatter my thoughts and now im open to everyone. i have made it clear for everyone to see that im open for attack. i did not ready myself but i have exposed my weakness and my insane spirit to everyone.

today, facing a new day, i want a new perspective, a new start to give a new shot, to give my ONE shot to make things right. i am repenting to all my sins. all my bad takings of this life.

i realized that i must not memorized all the traces of these wounds im badly being bruised. i must not meditate on the hurts and pains it brings in me. if i want to stand strong, i must be in the position to face a WAR, a battle that will last as long as im alive. so i must stay alive until the very end of this journey.

I AM.

Lost. scattered. unwell. these and more i will try to eliminate, relinquish totally and completely.

Sadturday

Walking filled and happy on a misty morning
but along the way its a different story
every face is a different battle
every things said is where everything changes
i tried to shut my temper today
but floods of emotions from every spirits attack is knocking me off
i must stand my ground
holding my fist, composed, not frustrated
i have to find the end of the tunnel
enough of fumbling in the darkness of my days
i can light up
yes i can still light up the shadow of my Sun that has been given to me
i just need to surrender my heart.

Life is not about Me

Life is not all about me. have i ever thought about it lately? well to ask these very questions is really testing my sanity. i have been very cold and so full of me these past weeks. i havent been keeping up with life and with God.

i know that i have to make a decision and every decisions made, events are starting to happen. the results is not up to me but decisions are.

i havent been good at listening. i always thought of myself. about what i wanted, about how i want things, about what i wanted things to happen. i never really cared about other people. i never really thought of considering their voices, their choices, their feelings. i only cared about what i will take from them, what can they offer me, what can they do for me.


when i get along with people, and relate to them, i never really kind of relate to them. i was always the star of the show. i always take every moment there is for the taking. i never give other people a chance to be heard. but when i do, i do not listen, instead i always find ways to bring the light focused on me.

i was always talking about me. how bad i was emotionally, how sad i could be with all the attitudes in my family...etc..so on so forth..

i always expose myself openly. even the things that should be reserved privately, i stripped open in front of the people who can only shut up because i wouldnt give them a chance to speak up.

i didnt care if they even like what they're hearing or if they have a violent reaction to what i was saying. i was always all about me.

when i get to see or mingle with other people at work, i always manage to pretend that i was so damn good as the person i was trying to put off with them. i have this mask of deception that i always wear to make people believed or try as hard to convinced them about who i really am, when im not.

i tried to stop myself from doing what i was doing. i tried speaking at my own self--thoughts about how God would really feel about what i have been doing, what would He really say to me if He was ever there to put those words on my face...

a lot is going on lately really. but those events arent really focused on me. im not the star of that show either, but why do i always try get the spotlight?? i am just part of the puzzle, just a piece of the mystery to make it whole yet i am taking everything as if its all about me.. how selfish is that??!!!

i dont know where it all started to happen like this or where i started to act like this. maybe this has been going on like since i was born and i just dont admit it or just not accept that it was me doing it. but every twist and turns of my life is based on the decisions ive made. but it is unavoidable that my act and my decisions are not just for me alone.. there will always be people unavoidably connected to the process. i just dont get it. that other people will be affected sooner or immediately by our actions and decisions.. i know that we are created to relate to other people, but arent we supposed to relate to God only? when He is the very reason for our existence? its all there...the answers are all there if i only cared to ask the right questions. but how am i supposed to approach on the resolution? when i am hurting so bad just facing how real everything was, how serious the effects were?

im not an emo kid here. but i have said things---bad things that have eternal effect on my being..i have done things that cannot be redone... i have taken a path where i have been at my worst..and i can only see myself totally messed up now.

why is it so hard for me to care about other people?? i only want them around because i need them.. but why i couldnt extend myself for them? i am a helpless parasite who only cared about sucking the life out of them. i keep on telling myself that when im with them i am adding up a value to them but i am deceiving no other man than myself. i am a FOOL. how could i ever thought of that about myself?? i couldnt give what i dont have..

and facing this struggle right now is what im all about, im all about finding what i really have with me. i have to find out immediately or else i will just go on fooling nobody else but me, only making other peoples lives miserable in a way they would never really see. i am miserable.

God, are you really listening to what i was saying??? you have done nothing wrong with me thats why i dont understand why its so hard on me. why i couldnt live right and do it right.

i dont understand myself really... i dont understand why i keep telling people how to live right, or what to do when they seemed to never know what to do. why i keep convincing them that i have the answer. that what i have to say to them matters. why i cant just practice what i preached.

"Set The World On Fire"

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it's burning bright for You
It's everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

[CHORUS]
I, I am small but You, You are big enough I, I am weak but You, You are strong enough to
Take my dreams Come and give them wings
Lord with You Nothing I can not do
Nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father's hands

[CHORUS]
Take my dreams Come and give them wings
Lord with You Nothing I cannot do Nothing I cannot do

My hands my feet My everything
My life, my love Lord, use me
I wanna set the world on fire
I wanna set the world on fire, yeah
Take my dreams Come and give them wings
Lord with You Nothing I cannot do
Take my dreams Come and give them wings
Lord with You There's nothing I can't do Nothing I can't do
I'm gonna set the world on fire Set the world on fire