Life is not all about me. have i ever thought about it lately? well to ask these very questions is really testing my sanity. i have been very cold and so full of me these past weeks. i havent been keeping up with life and with God.
i know that i have to make a decision and every decisions made, events are starting to happen. the results is not up to me but decisions are.
i havent been good at listening. i always thought of myself. about what i wanted, about how i want things, about what i wanted things to happen. i never really cared about other people. i never really thought of considering their voices, their choices, their feelings. i only cared about what i will take from them, what can they offer me, what can they do for me.
when i get along with people, and relate to them, i never really kind of relate to them. i was always the star of the show. i always take every moment there is for the taking. i never give other people a chance to be heard. but when i do, i do not listen, instead i always find ways to bring the light focused on me.
i was always talking about me. how bad i was emotionally, how sad i could be with all the attitudes in my family...etc..so on so forth..
i always expose myself openly. even the things that should be reserved privately, i stripped open in front of the people who can only shut up because i wouldnt give them a chance to speak up.
i didnt care if they even like what they're hearing or if they have a violent reaction to what i was saying. i was always all about me.
when i get to see or mingle with other people at work, i always manage to pretend that i was so damn good as the person i was trying to put off with them. i have this mask of deception that i always wear to make people believed or try as hard to convinced them about who i really am, when im not.
i tried to stop myself from doing what i was doing. i tried speaking at my own self--thoughts about how God would really feel about what i have been doing, what would He really say to me if He was ever there to put those words on my face...
a lot is going on lately really. but those events arent really focused on me. im not the star of that show either, but why do i always try get the spotlight?? i am just part of the puzzle, just a piece of the mystery to make it whole yet i am taking everything as if its all about me.. how selfish is that??!!!
i dont know where it all started to happen like this or where i started to act like this. maybe this has been going on like since i was born and i just dont admit it or just not accept that it was me doing it. but every twist and turns of my life is based on the decisions ive made. but it is unavoidable that my act and my decisions are not just for me alone.. there will always be people unavoidably connected to the process. i just dont get it. that other people will be affected sooner or immediately by our actions and decisions.. i know that we are created to relate to other people, but arent we supposed to relate to God only? when He is the very reason for our existence? its all there...the answers are all there if i only cared to ask the right questions. but how am i supposed to approach on the resolution? when i am hurting so bad just facing how real everything was, how serious the effects were?
im not an emo kid here. but i have said things---bad things that have eternal effect on my being..i have done things that cannot be redone... i have taken a path where i have been at my worst..and i can only see myself totally messed up now.
why is it so hard for me to care about other people?? i only want them around because i need them.. but why i couldnt extend my
self for them? i am a helpless parasite who only cared about sucking the life out of them. i keep on telling myself that when im with them i am adding up a value to them but i am deceiving no other man than myself. i am a FOOL. how could i ever thought of that about myself?? i couldnt give what i dont have..
and facing this struggle right now is what im all about, im all about finding what i really have with me. i have to find out immediately or else i will just go on fooling nobody else but me, only making other peoples lives miserable in a way they would never really see. i am miserable.
God, are you really listening to what i was saying??? you have done nothing wrong with me thats why i dont understand why its so hard on me. why i couldnt live right and do it right.
i dont understand myself really... i dont understand why i keep telling people how to live right, or what to do when they seemed to never know what to do. why i keep convincing them that i have the answer. that what i have to say to them matters. why i cant just practice what i preached.
