Sunday, November 27, 2011

Untitled

Lord, if i don't feel or encounter the depths of Your Love today in a most  tangible way, then i don't want Love from anyone else. I want Your presence alone.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Loved, not Lost: He is Jealous.

I stumbled upon this blog  post from one of my favorite blogger, and was encouraged greatly by her heartfelt love for God. I was amazed and immediately felt the need to share it.

Loved, not Lost: He is Jealous.: "He is a holy God; he is a jealous God." Joshua 24:19

 The Lord is jealous for us and our affection. We sing it over and over, that ...

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Life Verse

Philippians 1:21 – “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain”

Short verse but says it all. 

Live, love and die for Jesus. 

He is the only One worth living for, and worth dying for.

Romans 14:7-8
“For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone.  If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

AMAZING!

Friday, October 28, 2011

At The Cross (Remembering the Encounter with My Saviour)

Lord, thank You for showing me and once again allowing me to see the very reason, Your very reason why You go through the Cross. You can choose to give up when the road gets rough and the cross gets heavier even more because of the wounds and pains You are carrying through, BUT YOU CHOOSE NOT TO GIVE UP ON ME. You know very well Your CAUSE and You have overcome them all. Thank You again Lord, for allowing me to get a glimpse of Your heart again, and I’ve seen again with a different feeling of bond, how Your blood flows for each of my sins. You already died for them. Right now, I don’t want to be phlegmatic from all these things, I just want to soak everything and be saturated again in Your loving presence. I want to fall in love with You in such a way that You have loved me. You become everything to me because You loved me so much You have given me Your life and accept a painful death on the cross. And in all those time, You were just thinking of me, praying for me to come back and see what You have done for me. You have not blamed me for all I have done that cost You everything. You have loved me and I felt that love. It’s overwhelming me.  

Thank You Jesus. 

Crossover Insights

Another Thursday night is over. Although the whole day was tiring, I resolved to be at the Crossover gathering not because it was necessary for me to received a fresh Word from the Lord, but because my heart is expectant that God will meet me there, that I’m gonna be with His presence again for another night of worship. God never fails to show up, He never fails me. I won’t keep these thoughts long today. I was so tired and needed real time rest. It will be a Sabbath weekend for me again.

Surely there is so much to share because God has poured out His love and I am filled again.

Pondering on these:

If a man is filled with anger, then anger controls his life.

If a man is filled with greed, then greed dominates his life.

If a man is filled with lust, then lust governs his life.

If a man is filled with love, then love influences all he does.

If a man is filled with the Holy Spirit, then the Holy Spirit is in control of his life.

Let us decide whose we are letting to take control over our lives. The whole future that God promised us depended on it.

Numbers 20:13, God will proved himself Holy among us, the question we have to consider is that, Do we trust Him ENOUGH to honor Him Holy in the sight of all the people around us?(Numbers 20:12). Yes indeed we can say we trust Him, but is that “trust” ENOUGH for us to just obey without delay, obey without complaining, and obey fully and completely? 

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Thoughts on Stewardship

I know that with what I have right now, there are a million things about my personality, my character and my attitude that I know God has been dealing with me. And so I must know this that every day I must confess what I know is dominating in me.

Right now I’ve been clueless again how to look at the Word of God and see myself, my own reflection. It seems I always struggle in “self-condemnation”.

Last night I cried hard, my spirit cried. And I don’t want to fake my “today”. I know that my relationship with Jesus is the only thing that’s real and everything else without Him is fiction. So if once again I attempt to start my day, my life and my work without Jesus, I know it will be a wasted day, no matter what I produce, no matter how hard I live it, it will only count for nothing.

So I resolve that no matter how late I may start my day, I may compromise my work, my deadlines, my people, and everything around me, BUT never my God. I will draw in His presence. And I will stir up hunger in me even if it feels numb, even if I’m full of guilt and self-condemnation. I’m letting go of my life.
I asked God to take away my life. I want more of Jesus and less, less, less of me.

Titus 2:15 (The Message) – “You are in charge. Don’t let anyone put you down.” And may I add, “don’t let anyone put you down, not even yourself.”

I’ve read from a book, “You Money Counts” that being “IN-CHARGE” means “STEWARDSHIP”. A STEWARD is the one taking full responsibility for all the Master’s possessions and household affairs and the one having supreme authority under the Master.

God has given us the authority to be stewards of people, stewards of souls. But it is EXPECTED (more accurate is “REQUIRED”) in stewards to be found faithful. Before we can be FAITHFUL, we must know what we are required to do. We need to examine the Bible to find out how He wants us to handle His possessions. We are all STEWARD, let us handle our life well. I am learning and all is humbling me.

Scattered Thoughts: Melancholic mode for 48 hours

Thoughts on “Improving My Productivity” came filling my head since yesterday. I was remembering what Pastor Jun shared with us last Thursday at Crossover Gathering. So how was the past 48 hours of my life?

Tuesday night, after work, had to make it to my 6:30PM appointment with Recca at the OMF literature. And yay! I didn’t make it. The store closes at 8PM and I got there ten minutes late. So anyway, I think God was preventing me to buy that book, maybe telling me this is not the right time to spend my money on another book. So I went to my next appointment, to meet up with my disciple, Dhalia, to have a little talk at dinner maybe. But I don’t know what went wrong that night. Just when I tried organizing my time and calendar and my appointments, things turned out of order. Maybe it wasn’t the schedules fault. Maybe it was really me. One compromise leads to another. So I just wanted to say, I didn’t have that dinner with her, I ran to our meeting place only to receive a message that she’s already on her way to the train station. So I ran back to the station to at least meet her for a few minutes. Actually, being a phlegmatic person that I am, when I say, “I ran”, it means I am walking on a normal pace, only in my head I was thinking of hurrying.

So, after that almost twenty minutes talk at the train station, I walk away disappointed at my calendar appointments and hungry. I ran back to the mall, grab a burger and ran back again to the bus station, looking forward to two hours travel and another two hours travel at the next van station to take me home, to my parents. It was a tiring night. I wanted to sleep right away when I get there, but I need my coffee so bad to at least wash away the day’s events in my head. I thought of crying out to God about what had happened that night. But I lay there wide awake, eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling, thoughts floating, thinking on what I could have done earlier. So many “what-if’s” that doesn’t seem to make sense. I couldn’t sleep at all until the clock says 3AM and I wrestle with my thoughts. I just plugged in my playlist on my ears until it soothes me and yeah, the song says, “He is the one who have saved us, He’s the remedy…Let go of the things that have kept us from Him…” suddenly, I am broken again. I wanted change. I wanted a different day. And all God wanted to tell me is that, “Andie, let go, I am the remedy, not you and not your own efforts to make things work.”

Again back home, the first to wake me up are always the kids pulling my hair again, wanted to play as early as 9AM. I couldn’t help it, they always missed me, and I always missed them badly. These kids, I’m worried that they will grow up not knowing what family is like, not knowing what parents look like, what it feels to have mom and dad take them out on a Sunday for a family day. I’m worried about the future that their parents are preparing for them. Seeing those laughs and smiles at me and plays with me, and wanting to play more makes my morning so melancholic. I don’t get it. These kids wanted attention and care and someone to spend time with them. But all the people here seem to forget the importance of that NEED to be met. All they care about is how daily chores – be it cooking, feeding the backyard animals, cleaning the house, the laundry, grocery, fixing the broken part of the house, reading the newspaper, and so on… get them busy the moment they wake up. I hate the scenario every time I am here. My mom shrew them away when she saw them bothering me in my bed, reasoned out that I needed more sleep. I feel bad what she did to those smiles turned sad-cold walking head down away from my bed. so I called them back and played with them more even if it hurts me to just kept in mind what these kids are missing out. I prayed that their parents both come back and work here instead. Overseas won’t build up their family, no matter how many houses they build with their salary. Anyways, it was just random thoughts.

I’m gonna cut out part of my day during my stay home with my family, because it was the same as the last time I was here, and I was again been overwhelmed by all the situations and the accusations that they put on me. They all don’t trust me with the things I do at church, the ministry I belong to, and the work that God has given me. They wouldn’t understand that it’s all about stewardship. All I can do now for each of them is pray and pray and pray, I lift them all up to God. All I can ask God now is to humble me more, as I tried to be here for my family whenever they needed me. I tried. I know that my efforts will never be enough unless I put it in God’s hands, so I will trust on the ONE who can deliver me and my family from the enemy that is attacking us. They are all helpless as I am helpless, but my God is still mighty to save.

4PM and I’m headed back to the city. I have to catch up with my 7PM appointment with my disciples for our Cell Group. And yeah, I missed this day. So I arrived at the forum 30 minutes early, took a seat on the empty table, bring out my Bible and my journal, and prayed. I don’t care if people see me there praying alone in that table. I asked God to really give me a teachable heart, that the WORD that we are about to learn that day would really minister to each of our situations. It was as if having my own solitary confinement, just reflecting on the Words in Ephesians 5: 8-16.

Ephesians 5:8-16. And this particular verse strikes me, “Be very careful, then, how you live, not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.”(v.15-16).

Yes, it is very true and it all makes sense. The days are evil. Someone is on the loose wanting to snatch away the good seed that God had planted in us. And we are to protect our relationship with God by all means, even if it means protecting it with our own lives. So I say, NO MORE COMPROMISE. It is the time for me to DISENGAGE to anything that contaminates or corrupts my relationship with my God. It may be any good thing but even the good intentions sometimes are a waste of life when it is not lived inside our purpose. As Pastor said it, “Anything we do outside our purpose is a waste of time, waste of energy, waste of resources and a waste of life.”

So for me, this is the time to re-evaluate how I really live my life on an hourly basis, daily basis. Is there anything being accomplished for the sake of the Kingdom of God in every little thing that I am doing? Is my relationship with other people genuine enough to reflect God’s character in it? Do I still love God intentionally and purposefully? I prayed for my cup to be empty again, so that God can fill them again. I lift my hands empty handed again longing to be filled.

This is me scattered and all, melancholic and slow and tired, but is restless. But tiredness can’t stop me, disappointment won’t stop me, sleepless nights won’t slow me down when it comes to praising my God, who gives and takes away. He gave it all. I’m giving my life back to Him… whole and broken.

The G12 Core Values (Repost)

The G12 Core Values

1. I am a true Disciple
- Christ-likeness and Multiplying Ministry
2. Caught by the Vision
- Understand, Live and Transmit the vision
3. Committed to Cell life
- Evangelism, Leadership Development and Multiplication
4. Passionate Spirituality
- Devotional life, Prayer and fasting and holiness
5. Submission to Authority
- Love ,Honor and Respect my leaders
6. Commitment to time
- Manage and invest my time for the Kingdom
7. Lifelong Relationship
- accountable and responsible
8. I love Equipping and Training
- Training is my Happy Hour
9. I am a Leader of 12 disciples
- I am born to multiply
10. Accomplishing Church Goal Setting
- I support, help and fulfill the goals
11. I want to see my Church Grow
- Pray, work and Pay
12. The Importance of Young people
- I will prepare the next generation

------- Let us live the G12 Core Values-----------

reposted from BOMB.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Compassion in Action

Sundays are always the best day of my week. I got to really be filled with the spirit of God and refreshed my thoughts and my tasks. The best part of my Sunday was discipleship, where I could spend time with my fellow sisters, fellow disciples of Christ, spend time with my discipler. It was so much learning and fellowship is refreshing.

So anyways, this week we focus on “God’s Secret of Multiplication”. We are all born to multiply. John 6:5-15.

But I’d like to focus on this certain pointer that really thug my heart personally. Somehow, this has been what God was patiently dealing with me. I’m so much glad He is so patient with me, even though I am losing patience myself.

Talking about COMPASSION IN ACTION. Mark 6:34.

Mark 6:34 - There is no great commission without compassion.
The Message version -
When Jesus arrived, he saw this huge crowd. At the sight of them, his heart broke—like sheep with no shepherd they were. He went right to work teaching them.

King James Version
And Jesus, when he came out, saw much people, and was moved with compassion toward them, because they were as sheep not having a shepherd: and He began to teach them many things.

We are designed by God NOT to be a CONTAINER of blessing but a CHANNEL of blessing. We must know our obligation in the life of the people that God entrusted to us. And yes, that means all the life of the people that God graciously entrusted to us – family, friends, boss, even strangers who happens to be there. If we don’t see the condition of the people around us, we will not do it for God; we will not do it purposefully and intentionally.

And those two words strike me even more. PURPOSEFULLY and INTENTIONALLY. I must do things for God not just to comply, but because I know in my heart I am destined to be productive and destined to multiply. Loving people is not about numbers, it’s all about compassion. And that compassion will result to multiplication. You will produce a loving family if you have planted love in your family. You will produce relationship, and yes, even a God-centered relationship, if you will really put your priorities on loving God first and loving the people He died for. Again, it’s all about compassion in action. That means our hands must be doing, never idle, our feet moving, our hearts caring, that everything we touched reflect God’s loving character, healing nature, and abundant provision.

We can do this. We may fail but we know that it is not fatal; it is just a stepping stone, so we will never give up. So let’s do it with the purpose of loving God, and let’s do it INTENTIONALLY.

So I will end up with this verse that speaks about Jesus’ heart about us, and this is the same heart that I want God to plant and grow in me. Let’s not lose everything God entrusted to us, especially the relationship we have with our family, friends, and fellow Christians.

John 6:39 – “And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all that he has given me, but raise them up at the last day.” (NIV)

Friday, October 14, 2011

Friday Scattered Thoughts

Lord I am bothered. I’ve been having the same dreams lately. And it gives me the same hurting in my heart every time I wake up from those dreams. I am hunted by it. My dreams are always about my family. I always see them, back home. And I was there. And it was always raining. There are days that I dreamed of drowning in the flood back home. And there are times it was just raining hard. And I always saw my parents, my aunt, my nieces and nephews, my brothers. The whole family was there. I was there. And I was always just overwhelmed being in the midst of the situation.

Last night was the same dream. I was spending time with my niece and nephews at my aunt’s house.  My brothers were there too. I don’t see mom and dad. I only heard of aunt and uncle at the backyard. Then the rain pours. It was raining so hard but the sky is still brightly lit so I don’t feel worried. I went outside but I couldn’t feel the rain yet it was pouring. I don’t feel the wind. Nothing. I ran to our house. Mom and dad weren’t home. And our house was devastated. I went to the room and everything was stripped off. I was hurried trying to save all my books. It was kind of funny how I care more for the books than look where my parents were. Nothing was left in our house. All was covered in mud. No bed, no chairs, no furnitures left. I was trying to save some of my books but I came in too late. I heard my aunt from the backyard calling on me. She said they already tried to save anything they can grab. I was confused because I couldn’t feel the damaged it caused. Like it was a good weather. The sky is still bright outside. But still is pouring. And I was trying to remember where my parents are. Like they were there a few minutes ago. I was just sitting in the mud, helpless, trying to understand what was happening. Thinking whether everything around is real or not. I don’t understand what is happening. But I was hurting. I can feel the pain in my heart. But I couldn’t tell why.

When I woke up, I felt the same thing in my dream. I remember my mom and our conversation last Tuesday. I remember everything she told me. I tried to remember my dreams in the past weeks concerning the rain, the outpouring, our house, my family. The same scenarios, same dear people that I love, same house, but every dream is a different day. I don’t like what I’m seeing in my dreams. It scares me to even think what it could mean. I feel helpless. Like I have felt that there’s something already happening in my family and I couldn’t do anything for them. I want to go home and spend as much more time with them as I can. But doing that means leaving behind my dream. And God I feel like I am at the crossroad now. I need Your word today. I need to see what You are showing me. Open up my eyes and let me see.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Only Connect: John 15:1-8

It is a brand new day indeed. I am looking forward to seeing the WORD OF GOD in a different way – with new eyes and ears and a fresh thirsty heart. Although my thoughts and emotions scatter in struggle with the old self, I know in my heart I am ready to go through this storm to step into another level of relationship with my God. I want myself to bring up the reality of the present situation of my heart when it comes to answering the question, “who is Jesus for me?

I want a new passion for Jesus to awake in me and along it, my desire to awake into a person God wants me to be. I want to desire what God wants me to desire, to dream what God wants me to dream, to live in a way that unbelievers are going to know and believe the God I serve, and that my life will be an offering of praise and worship to the Lord, the God of my life. And yes, to claim that Jesus is the Lord and God of my life – in a way too personal (kind of) relationship.

I missed these days. I missed the WORD soo much. I missed the presence of God so much. I longed to be filled and longed for my cup to overflow, to pour out what God have abundantly bestowed upon me.

I was reminded this morning that, God never calls me in this career path I am taking right now if it’s not for His own glory. He will use whatever He has given me in whatever way He wanted to. I will let the passion for the glory of God ignites and live through the veins and the blood left in me, even if that’s all I got left to give.

Our life’s struggles are not an excuse for us not to be excellent in the things that we do. Being excellent includes all aspect of our life, not just the ministry. It includes our family, relationships, finances, leadership and other areas of our life. Excellence demands HUMILITY that we have to remove pride and we must be willing to obey Christ.

ONLY CONNECT. John 15:1 – 8. “Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit in itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me… This is to my Father’s glory that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.”

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Struggles Humbles

So many things are going on right now in my life that is way beyond my ability to resolve, to bear on my own. Whatever the Lord is doing in me right now, I want to be ready.

God here I am, humble before You. Do to me what only You can do. I am ready to undergo strict discipline from You. Change me. Make me the leader You want me to be.

I am greatly challenged with what I have discovered about what my family is going through right now. I know that the situations are long been happening and now is just the time I started to really care. God I know this is humbling me but I don’t understand what is really happening, I don’t understand what my role really is in this whole mess.

I went home Monday night. Late night travel and four hours on the road, not knowing what to expect when I got there. I was so tired. There is a sense of unkempt peace every time I thought of going home. Somehow I always want to ignore who I am and shift gears when I come face to face with my parents, because I always want to escape the conversations we always have. This time was totally different. I manage my well-mannered mask before my parents, but I realized that I can’t do this forever. So I decided to expose myself.

God, before I go on, question: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SHOW ME HERE? AM I AT THE WRONG SPOT?

Tuesday morning, I woke up with the noise of my nieces and nephews waking me up, calling me, pulling my hair, telling me to go with them. Victoria, my 5-year old niece was pulling me out of bed, telling me to fix the computer, and I haven’t even fixed my hair! I wasn’t annoyed, I missed them, but I want to stay in bed. So I requested for another hour. They just won’t leave me alone so we wrestle in bed, played with them.

I got up out of bed just when it’s time to have lunch. But my Mom and Dad were talking at the table while preparing the food. I kinda always want to avoid this sort of conversation, so I went outside. I said I’m not hungry, I only want coffee. So I went at my Aunt’s just next door. This was supposed to be funny. Because I thought I have escaped from the problem-pouring out from my parents, but as soon as I entered my Aunt’s door, she saw me and she didn’t even ask how I am or how’s my life been. She automatically said that I may need to check the computer, the kids have done something and now it’s not working. So this is me back home. I always feel like whenever people saw me around here, they seem to always remember their problems, and always excited to tell me about it. Nobody cares to know how’s mine. I don’t feel normal around here. Or maybe this is the REAL me. Maybe the life I am trying to live back in the city is not really the real me.

So there I was, hungry and yet to have my coffee and it was lunch time and my breakfast was the “trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with their computer”. I thanked God for my temperament, having Phlegmatic as the dominant. That way I don’t feel uneasy at all. I just go with the flow. So I found out that the problem was the power supply, not the power cord. I tried to replace the power cord from the working monitor, but still it won’t power up. SO IT WAS THE POWER SUPPLY INSIDE THE CPU.

I realized that God was really showing me something here. Even if there is a power source, and the cord that connects to the power is not broken and still connected to the source, if the receiver of that power is messed up, no matter what we do it will not work. The same thing with me, no matter how I try to be effective in what I do with everything about me, even if I am trying to connect with God, but as long as my heart isn’t right with God, then everything still ends messed up. It was so personal to me. How God spoke to me in every bit of my situations, even in that hunger and annoying morning. I realized I am not alright.

So I stopped trying to fix the computer. It was beyond my ability to resolve it at the moment. I don’t have my tools. I don’t know what I was thinking that moment, I just decided to go back home and get myself a MUG of coffee.

So my Dad went out for work at the construction site. I sat at the table with my Mom and with the TV on. A few more sips and finally my Mom started talking. This was the hardest part for me – to always play my role as the absorber. My Mom was pouring out and I’m wide open. I was never prepared to hear what my Mom has to say about me. I never thought about my future like this before. I never considered what Mom thought about how I live my life and how she really felt about me. This was the very first time I really listened. God I never thought how bad my testimony was already before them. This was painful and heartbreaking.

She started telling me about how she talked about me to our family friend, Mr. Lacsa and how disappointed she was about me. For the first time I realized how exposed I am. I don’t know if I can even pour it out here. This is painful to me God. But if I won’t pour it out to You, then to whom? I have no one with me willing enough to sit and listen. Once again this outburst of emotion is numbing me. And I am in danger of having the tendency to hurt myself again to release the pain in my body. I am tempted Lord, to get an empty point-four pen and write on my arm again. I am tempted to write the pain in my arm again. I want to physically feel the pain now than keep this heart-burning ache I feel inside of me. I have lost appetite to everything else. My sight is blurred again. I can’t see clearly. I couldn’t sleep at all. I just want to get past through this.

Mom said her friend was just concerned with me. That they talked about me because they want me to consider what I have been doing with my life. They all agreed that the best I can do with my life is to work abroad, that the real success was out there, that what I have been doing here is not gonna be successful. Mr. Lacsa influenced my Mom that I am wasting my life.

I sat there, and my only concern at the moment was to finish my coffee and numb my heart. Mom was pouring out how disappointed she was with me, how she lost her hopes on me. She was actually telling me how she exposed me with all her disappointments with me to her friends. So I felt more like I have no more face to show up with them, that I couldn’t show up anymore. I realized that in our community, all eyes were on me, that my life was an open book to everybody.

God, question:  AM I LIVING THE RIGHT LIFE? IF SO, THEN WHY DOES IT SEEM TO BE SO WRONG?

Lord, I have always believed that You have chosen me to be part of something big and that You have placed me exactly at the right environment with all the optimum growing conditions that I need to surround me with. But right now, I am losing myself. I am hanging on by thread. I lost confidence with myself. You want me to be brutally honest now? You want to know why Mom was so disappointed with me?

I couldn’t be counted on. I’m not dependable. What’s the sense of having a degree in college and having to start our own company believing that all this was from You if this very thing is not blessing my family, if this thing is hurting my family? I couldn’t even provide enough for them. And yet I keep on making promises with Mom that I may need a few months to build my momentum, and she was hanging on to my promises, and I kept on breaking it at the same time breaking her heart. She always believed that it’s not a practical thing to do and that I am wasting my life with everything I do including the church stuff, the ministry, and the company. She said I am better off working for a company than running our own company. She said I am prideful because I don’t choose to work for an employer. No matter how I tried to explain to her that the reason I keep pursuing this life is because You have given me a vision and that all this is from You, they don’t understand it. They only see the present. And she always reasoned that the present is more important than what I considered our future. What I have been fighting for isn’t worth it.

I stood up and got dressed up. I decided to leave home and go back to the city. I can’t wait to leave home. I stood at the door looking at the sky behind the screen-door. It started to rain hard. I was just staring at the sky, my eyes wanting to cry, my lips couldn’t form a curve anymore. I breathe heavy. My Mom still sitting at the couch behind me, waiting for me to respond. I was thinking. I am considering everything she said. I need to make a decision.

Right now I am praying. God I need to unload everything that’s been in my mind to You. My heart is heavy. I couldn’t pour out everything here. I need to know if I am still on the right track with You. This is really humbling me. I'm broken and humbled. I need You Lord right here, right now.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Devotion

I wake up 4AM today, and remember to place everything in the hands of God, that I’m going to start my day this early, and see what God has prepared for me to do. I want today to be different.

Yesterday, during Sunday Service, I prayed to God to give me a different week. I don’t want to live the same old life I know. I don’t want the same old week. It was so amazing how God responded to my cry, how He filled my heart with His presence and His love. I felt loved. It was a day of worship. And while everybody sings praises, I in the crowd cried out a desperate cry. I couldn’t utter what the worship songs were saying; I can only groan a plea that I want God to change me. So there was this song our worship leader sings, my favorite actually – How He Loved Us by Jesus Culture. Then I was speaking personally to Jesus, I said, “Lord I don’t want to sing this song, I can’t utter the words, I don’t want to be standing here faking everything before You. I want to sing what’s in my heart. I want to speak what’s in my spirit….” And I was speaking to Jesus with my spirit, with words only He understood, with cries only He can comfort, with a broken heart only He can feel, and I was trembling before His presence. I felt pure JOY. I don’t care what the people around me were thinking about me, this is between me and my God. I will not withhold my worship to my God, that’s covenant sealed.

God gave me His words as if personally dealing what I have been overcrowding my mind and my heart.

John 6:5-15. I am the person like Philip in verse 7. I only look at the situation, and only look at the facts about my life, always calculating and analyzing how messed up I am on my own. But it is comforting what Pastor Oriel said regarding verse 6, “Sometimes we are so overwhelm by our problems that we don’t know what to do, BUT God knows what He will do. He already knows what He will do even before there was a problem.” “All of us are under testing. I hope tama ang response natin sa Lord.”

“I see Jesus in the middle of my situations.” – Pastor Oriel.

God want me to express my faith and not the recital of the facts of my life. God showed me Andrew’s character in verse 8, he see Jesus in the midst of the wilderness. I know that even in the most impossible situation, God can do miracles. “Don’t look on the situation, Tesa, look on the solution. I am the solution,” Jesus whispers gently. The miracle of multiplication happens when we placed something in the hands of God. Anything that touches the hands of God will bring multiplication.

So I prayed a prayer with a vow. My very reason and attitude in everything I do will be “for the sake of the KINGDOM of God.” I remember my family, my disciples, my leaders, my work, my future. I remember everything that I am trying to hold tight in my hands. I released them in God’s hands. And the hardest of all the things I did that day, is to place my heart under Jesus’ care. I know that my heart has been disarrayed and so full of longings. And right now, it’s not mine anymore, it belongs to God.

 So I thought about now how 4AM I wake up just before all my alarms go crazy, that today God moved. Today, God take the initiative in response to my prayer. My heart wanted change. So does God. And all it took was my willingness to place everything in His hands.

Today, I battle so many things and areas in my life but I thank God I remember to take this hour to place all things in His hands. It is fasting season for me, a time to give in to God and let go of everything.

I claim this promise that God gave me during my devotion this morning:
Psalm 18:43 “…You have made me the head of nations, people I did not know are subject to me.” I will stand up as the person God called me to be – a leader, a conqueror.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Prayer and Devotion

Lord I can feel my inner spirit crying out on the inside, and physically I am grasping for more oxygen. I am desperately crying out to get a glimpse understanding of Your will over my life. I want to see in my very own life the evidence of Your abundant love and mercy, the richness of what You can do to my life. I am crying out. Change me. Transform me. I have enough of me.

I know I must listen to Your word in a very simple sense but it goes too deep for me to understand. What keeps in preventing me?

Lord, I surrender. I surrender everything to You. From now on, I will not try to do it on my own way. There’s no way I can make or build what only You can make and build.

I only ask that You could show me my role in this whole process of change and transformation You are working in me. You already know that this is hard for me to JUST LET GO, but please show me how to do it with obedient heart and spirit. I want to learn SUBMISSION and total obedience in You Father.

I honestly admit I am clueless about this ministry I am claiming to live by. Show me Your will about the visions I’ve been allowed to see in my dreams. Show me my role, my part in the vision. Show me my purpose and how am I to live it in a very practical lifestyle.

Lord, show me the depths of Your love that gives abundant favor to my wretched life. I submit to the leading and initiative of the Holy Spirit in my life. Show me and teach me how to do the ministry.

Rhema: Romans 1 - 3

I realized that those acts of ungodliness is not the beginning of our sin. It all begins with PRIDE entering our heart, allowing its power to corrupt our minds and our hearts, and that we start seeing only ourselves and started us to reject the character of God. And that’s how we start harboring the guilt in our hearts. And when we are so full of it, God will give us to our sinful desires. (Romans 1:21-32)

But I have found out that there is a grace of God that bestowed mercy so overwhelming that melts away all those stains of past that we are involved with. BUT it takes our WILLINGNESS to go back, renouncing in the first place, our PRIDE, the root of all this agony, and our WILLINGNESS to be BROKEN and HUMBLED before God. (Romans 3:21-26)

Pulses and Heartbeats

Pulses. Heartbeat. Thoughts just have to flow. I always knew this feeling that a WRITER just knows when it’s time to take out the pen and outflow, overflow. Though I am a stranger to this thingy that I do, I just simply do it. It’s in my blood. It’s passion. And even though words won’t come out right and my handwriting is unpleasant, I will always see past through it. My heart goes beyond reasons and emotions and facts. I am writing about the TRUTH, the TRUTH about my life. That my heart beats for God. The only audience I expect to see in my heart.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Galatians 1 - 3

There is a stirring in my heart that I know God is dealing with me. His words pierced me like arrows. And so I am trying to break it down.

1.       Is the Spirit of God that I received when I accepted Jesus Christ by faith, still in effect with my life? Meaning, am I still living my daily life according to the Holy Spirit’s initiative?
… I know somehow I can look back hours ago, days ago, weeks ago, even months, that I have been technically striving so hard to present results, a quality fruit that is pleasing to God and that would honor Him.
… But today, words of Paul in his letter to Galatian churches, deals with my very ATTITUDE of doing it MY WAY. I am trying so hard. I honestly admit, I couldn’t breakthrough (to really hearing) what the Holy Spirit is trying to tell me, to where He is leading me.
… The problem is maybe I am not willing to enter BROKENESS. I know there are times I am trying so hard to be BROKEN but I was really striving because I could not feel it, like my heart has grown numb and cold.

2.       The Gospel I claim to be preaching to other people, is it still the TRUE GOSPEL that I received? Or am I pushing too hard on technicality and keeping a LAW? Is it my purpose to RULE OVER the people I disciple OR do I preach the real life of Jesus to them?
… The problem is that if I will not be CAREFUL with how I connect with God, with how I’m living my relationship with my God, I could live in deception, and in that deception I am only deceiving others. I am becoming a FRAUD.
… I guess the question that I need to deal with is this: How is my relationship with the Lord? Am I still sensitive that He is with me all the time? Am I still allowing Jesus to change me everyday?

3.       Am I really claiming possession of the PROMISE of God in my life or am I just living according to the LAW?
… Galatians 1 -3 gives me a clear definition of what the promise of God really means. No more misconceptions, ONLY CHOOSE WHAT IS THE RIGHT PRIORITY.

4.       Honestly, how is my relationship with You Lord?
… I honestly admit that the life I live in the past days, weeks or even months is just a cover up, full of escape and pretention, (it was just) it turned out a HABIT to me. I settle for what’s easy to admit, what’s easy to carry but DEEP DOWN inside my spirit, it is very painful. And I escape all the more.
… Literally, the line was cut-off. Meaning, I am no longer connected spiritually. I died. You can put it as a spiritual coma.
… I could not allow Jesus to change me. I was dead.
… Because I was trying to cover up by living as if I had it all figured out, God had showed me in Galatians 3:21-22, that I am out of right relationship with God, and that He showed me the futility (the my pretentions are useless) of being so religious (a law-man), because only God can complete His promise.
… The TRUTH I gained now is that NO RULE-KEEPING, COVER-UPS and hiding in pretentions had the power to create life in me.

Galatians 3:26 (The Message) – By faith in Christ, you are in direct relationship with God.
… Living the life in Christ means for us the fulfillment of God’s original promise.

Now everything that must come out of my life must be from pure intention of having true relationship with Jesus Christ.

Galatians 2:20 (The Message) – I have been crucified with Christ. My EGO is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before anyone or have anyone’s good opinion about me, and I am no longer driven to impress God.

(Lord, help me find my joy in You. I’m so desperate and restless. Restore Your joy in me.)

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Psalm 16

Meditating, defining, reflecting Psalm 16 in my heart. 

Psalm 16
1 Keep me safe, O God,
for in you I take refuge.
2 I said to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing.”
3 As for the saints who are in the land,
they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.b
4 The sorrows of those will increase
who run after other gods.
I will not pour out their libations of blood
or take up their names on my lips.
5 Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
7 I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
8 I have set the Lord always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
10 because you will not abandon me to the grave,c
nor will you let your Holy Oned see decay.
11 You have madee known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Psalm 16:8
 I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. 


                   *Lord I pray that you search my heart. Is my heart still running after You? Are you still my priority? Am I really not shaken when I say to You that I'm not letting go? Pierce my heart Lord with Your love, and mercy. I am unworthy to claim verse 5 and 6. 

Its been a long time since I last pour out on my journal. I have no good thoughts to bring to You today. All I know is that I need Your grace desperately. My life and my commitment to You has been INCONSISTENT. I have been unfaithful even until this morning. I prayed that all my motives and intentions in WHY I DO THINGS in the first place, be align to what I wanted to believe I desire to live -- a Life of total surrender to You and purposely loving You and loving the people You have placed around me. But its not always that way. I was living in my addiction to the virtual world, like its the only thing real to me. It was like an addiction next to coffee. I am guilty. I wanted to come out of this life I have formed in me. I haven't been living the real life. I messed up the real life and now all I am is NOTHING before You. I could not bring up anything in me that is pleasing to You God.
I want to fight. Lord Help me. I am weak on my own. I want the strong man in me to DIE so that everything else that I am DEPENDS on You. 

Lord, You are my Lord, and my Savior; apart from You, there is no good thing in me.