TRANSPARENT

I have realized that being transparent doesn’t necessarily mean being HONEST all the time. When I speak things about me, about how I really feel, I am brutally honest with every bit of it. But now I have felt that it’s not really bringing out the real person in me. I have sense a deeper understanding that even in the most sarcastic honest me, I still surfaced a mask of pretention that I wasn’t being true to me or to anyone else.

And now, reflecting about how I have been aligning my life to this kind of person I’m trying to be, I feel so lost for words, I couldn’t just speak up. For the first time in my life I am CLUELESS. I felt like as if I have nothing to offer anymore, I have nothing in me to pour out to, I have nothing. And I am narrowed down to simply NOTHING.

It’s like all my pains and all my struggles, and all my circumstances counts for nothing. It’s like there’s a BIG BIG hole of emptiness in my life. I feel like I am floating in this abyss of space and time does not really matter anymore.

I feel fake about my life. Who am I trying to live for? What am I really trying to live for? I feel like my existence isn’t really significant anymore, that I have no part in everything I touch, no trace of me in everything I interact with, that if I will be gone right now, I will not be remembered, or will never even get noticed.

I am trying to remember my past, and how it molded me, shaped me into who I have become now, but right now, there is a deep conviction in me to erase all that, to stop existing, to be invisible, to be nothing.

I am going somewhere…  I will be disconnected for who knows how long. Or I don’t know if there’s ever a reason to return.

I sit here…CONFUSED… I don’t want to lie to myself anymore. So long self.

Monday Notes

Not everyone is fit to be friends with, NOT all friends is fit to hang out with, we only have one SHOT in this generation and we cannot afford to waste time looking for somebody else to blame with our "feeling-like-a-victim" of what we reject about life.

In the end, WHAT MATTERS MOST will not depend on how well or worst we see others but on how we measure their life and missed to look at ours..

It doesn't matter how well we understand our reasons but it matters how well we lived them. (To my dear brothers and sisters, Please live in peace.. Ephesians 6:12)

Currently Reading: iLove (by: Johanna Castellanos)

Chapter 1: A Good Beginning

Our true happiness is found only in God. The Lord has prepared only one special person for each of us. If we mistakenly choose just anyone to marry, it will mark the rest of our lives. BUT if we wait and allow God to guide us, our marriage will be the greatest blessing that we will enjoy for the rest of our lives.

Yes, you got it right. This book speaks of how we can truly trust God to be the author of our love story. It teaches us to WAIT on God. I am clinging to the promise of God in Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know..." Yes I am sure and convinced that my future is secure in God.

And as I reflect on this chapter, I learned of the process that I must experienced prior to meeting my hubby. (well, I will share my story about being impatient, and longing for that someone... some other time).

1. Formation
     Many youth ask themselves, "Why is God taking so  long to give me my soul-mate?" The answer is simple, in fact, the response is in the form of another question: IS HIS CHARACTER IN YOU? (Galatians 5:22)
     Is God's character already in me? Am i really allowing God to mold me and form me into His likeness?

2. Waiting On God
     Well I have made the same covenant to God in terms of waiting in the name of Love.
     a. Never do anything in SECRET. Be accountable.
     b. Never have a relationship with a person that doesn't share the same Christian principles.
     This one I have to add for myself:
     c. Am I spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically ready to consider my feelings for a guy?

3. Establish Principles
     I am still in the midst of evaluating my life and my heart. I will share my list of 12 principles regarding how I will guard my heart. I am reminded of this verse in Song of Songs 2:7 - Do not awaken love until it so desires.

4. Falling In Love
     I have nothing to tell yet about this section. Just be firm in your decisions and don't fall in love with just any person.

5. Marriage
     Marriage is the final result of the process.
     Be a person of covenant. Let's not skip stages because it could produce hurt and wounds that could have been avoided.
    Each stage that you take with God leads to blessing in every area of your life. The Lord gives us a seed and it is our responsibility to take care of it so that it will produce the desired fruit.
    A marriage that is founded on God is powerful. We must seek the Lord's perfect will in this area.

Today Is The Day

I was at the CROSSOVER Gathering tonight and Worship is so much fun and another level tonight for me. I have felt so much of God’s presence in the place. I was broken and humbled to have felt that God was always ready to take me as I am, even if I still feel inadequate and unworthy and all I can remember bringing to Him is my shortcomings and pain. But Jesus took it. He took it all and filled my heart with so much joy. I was rejoicing and dancing and I felt consumed with His Spirit. I know in my heart I was longing for His touch and tonight was really humbling.

Today really is the day that the Lord has made, and I will be glad and rejoice in it. I have learned a new lesson from Pastora Ria Zamora. She preached about “The definition of God in my Life” and although there are so much to share about what God has imparted me through this topic, I will give another time to share with you guys.

Tomorrows gonna be another day. And speaking of it, The Regional Conference will be tomorrow. So i cannot stay longer online now, I need to be early. I cant miss it.

Here’s to share the lyrics of the worship song that really speaks a passionate God in my heart tonight.

Today Is The Day
Lincoln Brewster and Paul Baloche

I'm casting my cares aside
I'm leaving my past behind
I'm setting my heart and mind on You Jesus
I'm reaching my hand to Yours
Believing there's so much more
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good

Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
I won’t worry about tomorrow
I’m trusting in what You say
Today is the day

I'm putting my fears aside
I'm leaving my doubts behind
I'm giving my hopes and dreams to You Jesus
I'm reaching my hands to Yours
Believing there's so much more
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good

Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
I won’t worry about tomorrow
I’m giving You my fears and sorrows
Where you lead me I will follow
I’m trusting in what You say
Today is the day

I will stand upon your truth
All my days I'll live for You
I will stand upon your truth
All my days I'll live for You
All my days I'll live

Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
I won’t worry about tomorrow
I’m giving You my fears and sorrows
Where you lead me I will follow
I’m trusting in what You say
Today is the day

Yes I Love to Read...

Books I want to Read for the next 3 months:

Let Me Be A Woman – Elisabeth Elliot

         *i used to have a copy of this book, but i havent started reading it yet, until someone borrowed it from me. Sad that it was never returned. I'm planning to buy another copy next week. so excited about it.

Passion and Purity – Elisabeth Elliot

*I've read this book before, about a year ago. but never really understood what it implies to me. My heart is impatient and full of longings and i hope opening the pages of this book again may remind me how to be a woman of God inspite of all these longings..

Kisses From Katie – Katie Davis

     

       * I was a follower of her blog - Katie Davis, and when she announced that the book will be released on October, I couldnt wait to have it. I want it for Christmas. I've searched local bookstores but it will not be available in the country until next year. I hope i can find a good deal online. hoping..praying..