A Different Day Indeed!

Yes, today was a different day. i dont know what does it. i went to the office, sit in a meeting with two engineers who are also businessmen and a spark of hope and a challenge strikes a chord in my thoughts and in my heart that right now, even in the midst of this migraine and cramps im not feelin crabby at all.

And even if my bestfriend-daddy seemed to intentionally snob me when i gather all the energy and motivation within me to drop a "hi" on his message box, it didnt seemed to offend me at all. altho, i have all my suspicions again, but i just feel so hopeful, and i decided to see the beautiful things and great things in people.

and im all fired up to double work hard to meet the deadline along with thoughts of doing a lot of things and stuffs to accomplish at the same time.

i wanted to accomplish so many things today. and i feel like i have so very limited time. i feel like im high on drugs or something. but whatever does it, i hope it kicks in until i get the full benefit of all this hyper pumpin in my veins.

im gonna make this thought short today.. just emptying my cup again. :D

i prayed for wisdom over all my decisions today and all the decisions that im going to make everyday.

Wednesday Poem Reading

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,

that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,

talented and fabulous?

Actually who are we not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people

won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine as children do.

We were born to make manifest

the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And when we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people 

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

- Marianne Williamson

Scattered Thoughts: It's been awhile...

It’s been awhile. I must say, I wasn’t missing or away.. I was just here, only, spending most of my time in silence but I can hardly say solitude. Solitude is when everything inside you and around you is peaceful. I am in silence but not in solitude, because inside of me there’s a war waging. There were rough seas and waves turning back and forth, twisting and turning me, almost closely into insanity.

And yes. i. feel. Crazy.

Today, thoughts about “giving” disturbed me. The trend around me, all the media outlet, and all the social network outlet these days, are all about “taking”. They always talk about how to get, how to make people like them, how to make others agree with them, and the list is neverending. People invent all creative ways to seek attention, to be heard. I say I’m tired of the flow. But I admit, its always so easy to get and take than to give. Our flesh has only one perspective view of everything, the “me” perspective.

What am I saying!? I really don’t know. My thoughts scattered. I came here today to pour out my cup. But I can never a guarantee that what I have to give is desirable.

“giving is not an obligation.. giving is an expression of what is in abundance of heart.”

So in a way, if I give out **** it only means im full of it. Please excuse my tongue. I try not to let it slipped.

God i miss those days where i can bleed and still find art in it...  I miss pouring out scattered thoughts and still be understood.

And here now let me rant about those days that im missing.

I miss my long hair. I miss messing up my hair and just don’t care about it.

I miss that messy hard rocker girl who never leaves the house without her cap on. I miss hiphop  and dancing.

I miss my guitar. And my songs.

I miss painting my nails green.

I miss my bestfriend. And coffee dates.

I miss a thousand good days and a thousand more bad days.

Memories. i can still remember giving until it hurts me. And even in remembering I still feel the burden I carried on my shoulders. Maybe they never really go away. Maybe they’re never really gone.

Right now there’s a rushing sound of noises in my head. The voices and the noises and the static are getting louder and louder. And its driving me to insanity. I couldn’t sit still and read my bible and understand a single thought in any passage I keep reading. Im a mess again. I keep on praying but the noises gets more louder and disturbing in my head like a tangible sound. I wanna be still.

Anyway… this are scattered thoughts and a messy page today. Maybe I just needed someone to talk to right now. I miss that someone whom I can talk to in times like this and still be understood. And maybe all I wanted to really say is that… I miss me.

Maybe tomorrow will be a different day. Oh God I hope and pray for a different day.