Scattered Thoughts: It's been awhile...

It’s been awhile. I must say, I wasn’t missing or away.. I was just here, only, spending most of my time in silence but I can hardly say solitude. Solitude is when everything inside you and around you is peaceful. I am in silence but not in solitude, because inside of me there’s a war waging. There were rough seas and waves turning back and forth, twisting and turning me, almost closely into insanity.

And yes. i. feel. Crazy.

Today, thoughts about “giving” disturbed me. The trend around me, all the media outlet, and all the social network outlet these days, are all about “taking”. They always talk about how to get, how to make people like them, how to make others agree with them, and the list is neverending. People invent all creative ways to seek attention, to be heard. I say I’m tired of the flow. But I admit, its always so easy to get and take than to give. Our flesh has only one perspective view of everything, the “me” perspective.

What am I saying!? I really don’t know. My thoughts scattered. I came here today to pour out my cup. But I can never a guarantee that what I have to give is desirable.

“giving is not an obligation.. giving is an expression of what is in abundance of heart.”

So in a way, if I give out **** it only means im full of it. Please excuse my tongue. I try not to let it slipped.

God i miss those days where i can bleed and still find art in it...  I miss pouring out scattered thoughts and still be understood.

And here now let me rant about those days that im missing.

I miss my long hair. I miss messing up my hair and just don’t care about it.

I miss that messy hard rocker girl who never leaves the house without her cap on. I miss hiphop  and dancing.

I miss my guitar. And my songs.

I miss painting my nails green.

I miss my bestfriend. And coffee dates.

I miss a thousand good days and a thousand more bad days.

Memories. i can still remember giving until it hurts me. And even in remembering I still feel the burden I carried on my shoulders. Maybe they never really go away. Maybe they’re never really gone.

Right now there’s a rushing sound of noises in my head. The voices and the noises and the static are getting louder and louder. And its driving me to insanity. I couldn’t sit still and read my bible and understand a single thought in any passage I keep reading. Im a mess again. I keep on praying but the noises gets more louder and disturbing in my head like a tangible sound. I wanna be still.

Anyway… this are scattered thoughts and a messy page today. Maybe I just needed someone to talk to right now. I miss that someone whom I can talk to in times like this and still be understood. And maybe all I wanted to really say is that… I miss me.

Maybe tomorrow will be a different day. Oh God I hope and pray for a different day.