My Beautiful Resolved

Compromise has always been one of the most expensive downfall i’ve struggled with. Something about the darkness of my own desire seems more appealing at a time compared to the peace that light brings. Then at the end of each day I’m crying out, hearts broken longing to be forgiven but without repentance.

I hate my life. I loathe myself. Bleeding seems to be the most beautiful resolve.

I only talk when spoken to. I long for conversations and a listening ear.

The only company that never fails me every single day is the loud ear popping music that slows down my hearbeat or the silence of my solitude. It calms me most of the time. Other times it just encourage me to cut open my skin and bleed.

I dont want to go home. But i want to feel at home everywhere i go.

My first love.. i have betrayed my first love again and again. And i feel i am a hopeless case.

This everyday routine is exhausting me. I hate human touch. I hate trivial talks. I hate myself for hating too much of what i deserved. And this rotten days are all i deserve.

I’m longing for a different day. Why does time seems to run so slow in this universe where i stand. I waited. And kept waiting. For nothing. Nothing is changing. Nothing is happening. Pages aren’t turning by itself. I’m stuck in this chapter. I can no longer write prolific stories. And even this rant of nothingness is worthless.

I wanna get a high in my self loathing. Bleeding gets me high. My own pains and scars. They are so beautiful. And i’m so sorry my beloved if i sounded glorifying the pleasure in pain i give myself. This is too fucking selfish of me. And i am fucked up in the head.

I was told i am crazy. Something’s wrong with me in the head. That i was too weird. Maybe i am. I’ll embrace every bit of it…. until something change.

I do not have any defenses on my own. I am uncovered. Exposed. Careless. I can drown anytime the water rises.

I hate mirrors. They reflect this ugly girl who keeps hurting and betraying me

Scattered Thoughts: DRIFT AWAY LIKE FEATHERS

My planet is what I called the “ATTIC”

There lie all the wonderful things about me…

My books, my radio, my guitar…

My big soft pillow and an almost cloud-like blanket…

The almost perfect painting of a view on my window

where I can take a glance over the green fields

and the hills and the mountain side every morning.

It’s such a nice feeling to wake up having those things around me.

BUT why do I feel so insatiable?

I long for the things that are far from my own reality

My mom would think I’m getting crazy…

She would asked, “why in the world would I want to boxed myself in that small hole?”

They don’t realize that in that small hole lies my universe.

It had a lot of secret though!

It keeps my deepest secrets..

It knows all the things I hide

It holds all the pains in me

When I bleed with self inflicted pain

When I cried out of desperation

When I compose my own song!

I’m at the peak of my temperament

Melancholic BUT never apathetic!

Scattered Thoughts: just is

Frightened as I am in this quaking days

Waking my soul deep inside the hardness of my bones

My heart still pumps but the beating stops

What happened to my heavenly places?

What happened to my ground?

What have I failed to understand?

I used to hear the sound of flowing waters

Until the flood of angry voices grew hard and draw so close to me,

That even their whisper is a scream!

I used to let the rain washed over me, cleaning the dirt in me

But the lands are dry and the rain,

with which I have waited to pour out for so long…

never thought of dropping by.

Scattered Thoughts: Melancholic mode for 48 hours

Thoughts on “Improving My Productivity” came filling my head since yesterday. I was remembering what Pastor Jun shared with us last Thursday at Crossover Gathering. So how was the past 48 hours of my life?

Tuesday night, after work, had to make it to my 6:30PM appointment with Recca at the OMF literature. And yay! I didn’t make it. The store closes at 8PM and I got there ten minutes late. So anyway, I think God was preventing me to buy that book, maybe telling me this is not the right time to spend my money on another book. So I went to my next appointment, to meet up with my disciple, Dhalia, to have a little talk at dinner maybe. But I don’t know what went wrong that night. Just when I tried organizing my time and calendar and my appointments, things turned out of order. Maybe it wasn’t the schedules fault. Maybe it was really me. One compromise leads to another. So I just wanted to say, I didn’t have that dinner with her, I ran to our meeting place only to receive a message that she’s already on her way to the train station. So I ran back to the station to at least meet her for a few minutes. Actually, being a phlegmatic person that I am, when I say, “I ran”, it means I am walking on a normal pace, only in my head I was thinking of hurrying.

So, after that almost twenty minutes talk at the train station, I walk away disappointed at my calendar appointments and hungry. I ran back to the mall, grab a burger and ran back again to the bus station, looking forward to two hours travel and another two hours travel at the next van station to take me home, to my parents. It was a tiring night. I wanted to sleep right away when I get there, but I need my coffee so bad to at least wash away the day’s events in my head. I thought of crying out to God about what had happened that night. But I lay there wide awake, eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling, thoughts floating, thinking on what I could have done earlier. So many “what-if’s” that doesn’t seem to make sense. I couldn’t sleep at all until the clock says 3AM and I wrestle with my thoughts. I just plugged in my playlist on my ears until it soothes me and yeah, the song says, “He is the one who have saved us, He’s the remedy…Let go of the things that have kept us from Him…” suddenly, I am broken again. I wanted change. I wanted a different day. And all God wanted to tell me is that, “Andie, let go, I am the remedy, not you and not your own efforts to make things work.”

Again back home, the first to wake me up are always the kids pulling my hair again, wanted to play as early as 9AM. I couldn’t help it, they always missed me, and I always missed them badly. These kids, I’m worried that they will grow up not knowing what family is like, not knowing what parents look like, what it feels to have mom and dad take them out on a Sunday for a family day. I’m worried about the future that their parents are preparing for them. Seeing those laughs and smiles at me and plays with me, and wanting to play more makes my morning so melancholic. I don’t get it. These kids wanted attention and care and someone to spend time with them. But all the people here seem to forget the importance of that NEED to be met. All they care about is how daily chores – be it cooking, feeding the backyard animals, cleaning the house, the laundry, grocery, fixing the broken part of the house, reading the newspaper, and so on… get them busy the moment they wake up. I hate the scenario every time I am here. My mom shrew them away when she saw them bothering me in my bed, reasoned out that I needed more sleep. I feel bad what she did to those smiles turned sad-cold walking head down away from my bed. so I called them back and played with them more even if it hurts me to just kept in mind what these kids are missing out. I prayed that their parents both come back and work here instead. Overseas won’t build up their family, no matter how many houses they build with their salary. Anyways, it was just random thoughts.

I’m gonna cut out part of my day during my stay home with my family, because it was the same as the last time I was here, and I was again been overwhelmed by all the situations and the accusations that they put on me. They all don’t trust me with the things I do at church, the ministry I belong to, and the work that God has given me. They wouldn’t understand that it’s all about stewardship. All I can do now for each of them is pray and pray and pray, I lift them all up to God. All I can ask God now is to humble me more, as I tried to be here for my family whenever they needed me. I tried. I know that my efforts will never be enough unless I put it in God’s hands, so I will trust on the ONE who can deliver me and my family from the enemy that is attacking us. They are all helpless as I am helpless, but my God is still mighty to save.

4PM and I’m headed back to the city. I have to catch up with my 7PM appointment with my disciples for our Cell Group. And yeah, I missed this day. So I arrived at the forum 30 minutes early, took a seat on the empty table, bring out my Bible and my journal, and prayed. I don’t care if people see me there praying alone in that table. I asked God to really give me a teachable heart, that the WORD that we are about to learn that day would really minister to each of our situations. It was as if having my own solitary confinement, just reflecting on the Words in Ephesians 5: 8-16.

Ephesians 5:8-16. And this particular verse strikes me, “Be very careful, then, how you live, not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.”(v.15-16).

Yes, it is very true and it all makes sense. The days are evil. Someone is on the loose wanting to snatch away the good seed that God had planted in us. And we are to protect our relationship with God by all means, even if it means protecting it with our own lives. So I say, NO MORE COMPROMISE. It is the time for me to DISENGAGE to anything that contaminates or corrupts my relationship with my God. It may be any good thing but even the good intentions sometimes are a waste of life when it is not lived inside our purpose. As Pastor said it, “Anything we do outside our purpose is a waste of time, waste of energy, waste of resources and a waste of life.”

So for me, this is the time to re-evaluate how I really live my life on an hourly basis, daily basis. Is there anything being accomplished for the sake of the Kingdom of God in every little thing that I am doing? Is my relationship with other people genuine enough to reflect God’s character in it? Do I still love God intentionally and purposefully? I prayed for my cup to be empty again, so that God can fill them again. I lift my hands empty handed again longing to be filled.

This is me scattered and all, melancholic and slow and tired, but is restless. But tiredness can’t stop me, disappointment won’t stop me, sleepless nights won’t slow me down when it comes to praising my God, who gives and takes away. He gave it all. I’m giving my life back to Him… whole and broken.

Friday Scattered Thoughts

Lord I am bothered. I’ve been having the same dreams lately. And it gives me the same hurting in my heart every time I wake up from those dreams. I am hunted by it. My dreams are always about my family. I always see them, back home. And I was there. And it was always raining. There are days that I dreamed of drowning in the flood back home. And there are times it was just raining hard. And I always saw my parents, my aunt, my nieces and nephews, my brothers. The whole family was there. I was there. And I was always just overwhelmed being in the midst of the situation.

Last night was the same dream. I was spending time with my niece and nephews at my aunt’s house.  My brothers were there too. I don’t see mom and dad. I only heard of aunt and uncle at the backyard. Then the rain pours. It was raining so hard but the sky is still brightly lit so I don’t feel worried. I went outside but I couldn’t feel the rain yet it was pouring. I don’t feel the wind. Nothing. I ran to our house. Mom and dad weren’t home. And our house was devastated. I went to the room and everything was stripped off. I was hurried trying to save all my books. It was kind of funny how I care more for the books than look where my parents were. Nothing was left in our house. All was covered in mud. No bed, no chairs, no furnitures left. I was trying to save some of my books but I came in too late. I heard my aunt from the backyard calling on me. She said they already tried to save anything they can grab. I was confused because I couldn’t feel the damaged it caused. Like it was a good weather. The sky is still bright outside. But still is pouring. And I was trying to remember where my parents are. Like they were there a few minutes ago. I was just sitting in the mud, helpless, trying to understand what was happening. Thinking whether everything around is real or not. I don’t understand what is happening. But I was hurting. I can feel the pain in my heart. But I couldn’t tell why.

When I woke up, I felt the same thing in my dream. I remember my mom and our conversation last Tuesday. I remember everything she told me. I tried to remember my dreams in the past weeks concerning the rain, the outpouring, our house, my family. The same scenarios, same dear people that I love, same house, but every dream is a different day. I don’t like what I’m seeing in my dreams. It scares me to even think what it could mean. I feel helpless. Like I have felt that there’s something already happening in my family and I couldn’t do anything for them. I want to go home and spend as much more time with them as I can. But doing that means leaving behind my dream. And God I feel like I am at the crossroad now. I need Your word today. I need to see what You are showing me. Open up my eyes and let me see.

Pulses and Heartbeats

Pulses. Heartbeat. Thoughts just have to flow. I always knew this feeling that a WRITER just knows when it’s time to take out the pen and outflow, overflow. Though I am a stranger to this thingy that I do, I just simply do it. It’s in my blood. It’s passion. And even though words won’t come out right and my handwriting is unpleasant, I will always see past through it. My heart goes beyond reasons and emotions and facts. I am writing about the TRUTH, the TRUTH about my life. That my heart beats for God. The only audience I expect to see in my heart.

Scattered Thoughts

Writing goes deep in my heart, deep into my soul... It’s hard though because I have to dig deeper into the silence of my own soul where my Creator, the giver of all beautiful things that will be poured out of me, whisper a soulful food for my hungry soul. To write is to bleed... There is a hungry generation waiting for the rain, the pouring out of what fills their thirsty soul. And I heard of this phrase somewhere, "that we must be filled if we are to pour out". And yes we are pouring out... investing a voice into this present generation. It’s just a matter of what kind are we giving or where do we get our pouring... we have to get connected to the right source. What are we listening to? What kind of voices do we get attached to everyday? There is a busy life, a busy street, and even a busy home that is waking us up every day of our life. It is simply calling us to join them in the rhythm of their heartbeat. And soon we join them. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. It’s just that, if we don’t get connected to God, the giver of our rest and peace, we will just allow the flow to overwhelm us, we get burned-out, and we swim along where everybody is going.

It’s a tough life but in toughness and hardships and struggles, we see the real beauty of living. It is simple. Life is simply life when it is lived intentionally for the true purpose we gain it.

It is a scattered day for me today. Burned out really. Hungry for God. And yet I am crying out, pouring out. It is my way of disposing junk from within me, that maybe blocking the creativity being handed over me. Because as much as I want to flow the life of Jesus through me, I can’t. I have to stop, to pause for a little while and find true meaning into what I have been doing. All that's within me right now is hurting me, hurting the spirit inside this body and my soul is restless. I have allowed the flesh to win in the battle of the supernatural. It is sad.

And for all this I may borrow a quote from one of the blogs I followed, "It's never cliché to admit I can't do a thing apart from Him. While He lives to intercede for me, my very breath depends on His mercy and grace. "

I’m gonna be away for a little while, and when I get back, I’m gonna let my cup overflow with all the goodness of the struggles God has allowed me to go through. I’m gonna need your prayers and yes, I will be praying too. Here’s me, not much to say, but so much to pray.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28