The Righteous Shall Live By Faith

When God reminds us of something He said in the Word, and we ignored completely simply because we thought we can’t relate to a single word pointed out, we better be careful. God will always make a way to draw our attention to His warning. He will make it a point that we are going to listen for sure and fully. He will make sure that we will pay attention and consider His time.

Romans 1-3. In these three chapter I am completely stuck for almost a month, trying to dig deeper what God is trying to tell me, or what is it about me in these pages. I just couldn’t find myself mutually connected to the warnings, because as far as my feeble mind think so, it is completely not related to my struggle and what i wanted from His Word is something specific to give me my resolve and so I will move on. But God showed me that His ways are so much different from my ways. I ignored what was sufficient for my daily soul food source. Closed fist in anger for not getting what I want, I had to closed my world, and closed my mind from Him.

Little did I know that I was slowly turning into the person God warned me about in those chapters. I was so busy trying to figure out how to get out of my inner battle in a way my hands and my feet only works, I have remove God from the equation. Yet I go to church on Sundays, I do cellgroups, I smiled and managed a laugh on our fellowships and discipleships. It was a well managed manner I formed within me. I’ve seen that I can do the ministry without God in it. It was a deception slowly snatching me, killing me, destroying the character of my Savior in me.

I became the person who, "...For although they knew God, they neither glorified Him as God nor gave thanks to Him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened." in Romans 1:21. My thoughts, my actions, my words, my hands and my feet, all of me... everything in me never glorified Him as God, not even thankful. I lived those days always having my Bible in my bag, but not once did I opened it. Then convictions are starting to knock on my heart. they beat an angry thud'dum thud'dum and it drives me mad. Mad to the point that my big "A" is over me. I’m an attitude person that everything annoys me. Until God knocked my senses, opening my eyes to the amount of destruction I am about to cause if I continue walking down this path I’m wandering. I’ve seen so many of them, my family, my friends, my work, and even my body, all bruised up and slowly breaking into pieces. Everything once again is scattered. I got scared. I’m scared to see my hands filthy, contaminating all these beautiful gifts God has given me. I felt that all the goodness of God in my life is sinking, drowning in the face of depression.

It’s amazing that God is whispering in the midst of my chaos like telling me, “I told you so..." but in a most gentle way. It was like God has warned me of the things to come and I was just so consumed with the present. God sees far more clearly ahead of me than I can see with my own eyes. It seems that my faith back then is boxed with how far the eye can only see. But God teach me to look beyond, to close my eyes and trust His lead.

"For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, “The righteous shall live by faith.” - Romans 1:17

Scattered Thoughts

Writing goes deep in my heart, deep into my soul... It’s hard though because I have to dig deeper into the silence of my own soul where my Creator, the giver of all beautiful things that will be poured out of me, whisper a soulful food for my hungry soul. To write is to bleed... There is a hungry generation waiting for the rain, the pouring out of what fills their thirsty soul. And I heard of this phrase somewhere, "that we must be filled if we are to pour out". And yes we are pouring out... investing a voice into this present generation. It’s just a matter of what kind are we giving or where do we get our pouring... we have to get connected to the right source. What are we listening to? What kind of voices do we get attached to everyday? There is a busy life, a busy street, and even a busy home that is waking us up every day of our life. It is simply calling us to join them in the rhythm of their heartbeat. And soon we join them. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. It’s just that, if we don’t get connected to God, the giver of our rest and peace, we will just allow the flow to overwhelm us, we get burned-out, and we swim along where everybody is going.

It’s a tough life but in toughness and hardships and struggles, we see the real beauty of living. It is simple. Life is simply life when it is lived intentionally for the true purpose we gain it.

It is a scattered day for me today. Burned out really. Hungry for God. And yet I am crying out, pouring out. It is my way of disposing junk from within me, that maybe blocking the creativity being handed over me. Because as much as I want to flow the life of Jesus through me, I can’t. I have to stop, to pause for a little while and find true meaning into what I have been doing. All that's within me right now is hurting me, hurting the spirit inside this body and my soul is restless. I have allowed the flesh to win in the battle of the supernatural. It is sad.

And for all this I may borrow a quote from one of the blogs I followed, "It's never cliché to admit I can't do a thing apart from Him. While He lives to intercede for me, my very breath depends on His mercy and grace. "

I’m gonna be away for a little while, and when I get back, I’m gonna let my cup overflow with all the goodness of the struggles God has allowed me to go through. I’m gonna need your prayers and yes, I will be praying too. Here’s me, not much to say, but so much to pray.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

The Fight Song (My Song of Redemption)

In the depths of my wandering, I'm wandering away from the Light. I have made friends with the darkness because I like myself there. But even in the loudest noise in that darkness, I could only hear a cry. A small cry of a frightened heart. I dont want to hear it anymore but the cry breaks the noise even louder and louder...Louder than any other noise I could hear. I am reluctant to leave the dark but as the cry of that heart turns to be the only voice, the only sound i could hear, I cannot just take it for granted. It resounds a painful chords in my peace.

I'm finding out where the voice is coming from. I am digging deeper to where I last heard of it. And I am coming closer and closer and closer. It seems that the voice itself is looking for me, getting closer to me, searching me. Then comes the endpoint. I see my own reflection in the dark, like a dream I could not awake. The only light I cling to is the smallest light coming from the heart that cry. I have discovered for a thousand times now, that the voice I hear is the only hope I need to listen to for me to go back to the light, to where I first found hope.

The voice I hear is the voice of my own heart, the small portion of God's hope abiding in me in that dark, dark valleys.

Now this is the hardest part, the battle to go back, back to following the light, the new hope granted to me. I already know that there's nothing left for me in this darkness I'm dwelling, that everything I am meant to be is in the light.. But that to go back to the light requires me to leave behind EVERYTHING that belongs to the darkness. I need that heart to light a torch in my path, that I may go back to light. And I MUST LEAVE BEHIND EVERYTHING THAT BELONGS TO THE DARKNESS.

My song of redemption, my prayer, my worship is clearly described in the words of Psalm 69.

Remembering a Day or Two in my Personal Journal.

Before I let you peek into one of my days (from my own personal journal way back September) I would like to ask your forgiveness if you are one of the persons involved in my life that I had to write about you, of course, according to how I see, feel, hear and understand you. And for those who would like to just peek, you are welcome to read along my life. It's nothing secret. in fact it's an open book. The reason why I am posting this is because, first, I didn't have the senses to post this during those times it happened, and second, I had so much fun that day I couldn't just let it be hidden in my files. This is me. I hope you can relate. and please excuse my use of words. God bless everyone who stop by this page!

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September 23, 2010 / Thursday
3:12AM / Homebound office table

I started the day past 1PM of September 22, 2010 up until now. I have spent 14hours awake and still pondering what have been done productively throughout my day. For some of my housemates, this time is their waking up time. Alarms are sounding loudly and just as I expected, someone already wake up from that alarm noise. Me and mam maj and sir jonarc is yet to end the day and the rest of the world is just starting a brand new day.

just an hour ago,  i focused on studying CSS, DIV, and any w3c topic to help me improve on my web design career. i was just in awe to find out theres so many things i am inocent of in the world of web development and i was professing it! theres so many things i need to learn and be expert of. wow..

my eyes are tired now, been staring and working on the face of the computer.. but i want to gain something from todays work. i wont sleep until i have added to my knowledge in this career im professing.

today's thursday. we will be heading for crossover gathering later in the evening. but then again, we are yet to sleep the rest for yesterdays. we have a broken schedule, a broken management of our physical body to fit thru the time given us. we must endure this tough times until we master the management of ourselves to it. let the grace of God change us though.

What happens with the rest of Thursday?
here it goes...

after the 3 of us headed to sleep, i just couldnt find tiredness and dizziness until it was 5AM. so i just hooked on reading the book DO HARD THINGS by the Harris twins, the one who begins the Rebelution blog movement. i got so caught of with the whole thing in the book and cant put it down until my eyes couldnt handle the heaviness anymore. the sun is brightly lit as i see darkness all over..im already asleep.

when i wake up at 11:30AM,  it was just me and mam maj in the bed and i wake her up also. we wrestle for an hour then we get to our time of devotion, that was 12:30pm.

we, all in the house, ate lunch and it was so much fun, we make fun of mam maj's having prayer chain sort of prayer..like i thought it was no end..hehe if you know her, you'll know what i mean.

i washed the dishes then take a little look at my computer. then bathe 30mins or more i think.

i get ready to leave the house. im on my way to meeting the supplier of our reserved order of FOOD PROCESSOR. little did i know that hey i think she might soon be our buseness partner this coming december. her name was Chrismina perez and she was cool, and she might be in her late 30's but she still look young and cool with her red super cool car that she drives. i was amazed at how she do her buseness, she is full of marketing in her lips that she offered so many things and business in that less than 20mins of our meeting.

anyway, it was over, not much of reflection as to when i was riding the MRT and saw the clouds darken. it was already 5:30PM and im headed home. and the clouds in view from the MRT glass window looks so calm and peaceful and i was amazed because for the first time in a long time i was able to witness the beauty of night on the train. and there was so many people inside it riding with me, busy involved with their own life. i just thought, what if all these people belongs to a cellgroup, and that lives were changing everyday? i was particularly eyeing one woman sitting across where i sit, get something from her bag, a headset, and something fallen from getting that headset, a bus ticket. and the saddest of all that portrait is that she didnt picked the ticket, she just ducked her head to check if it was something important but when she saw that it was just a ticket, she act like she didnt care. and i just thought of picking that paper in front of her and put that trash in my bag to make her see what she ignored. but then again, it was just a thought.

i arrived home bringing the good news to all, and we're all excited to checked all that was included in the box. then suddenly i remembered there was KFC twister in my bag, i bought from trinoma. we divided it into 5 and me, mam maj, jen, and nanay - mom of jaynie, take part of it. 1 part was left and i took it.

we waited, convinced, and drag sir jonarc to come with us to crossover. he was struggling with his emotion, (or failure) that made his option not go to crossover. but we had him bathe, dressed, and ready to go.

the topic is about EXCESS BAGGAGE and it was really a waking up sense for me personally to hear it from ate ria. it was moving me, and i know it was moving all of us. we cannot run the race prepared for us if we are carrying too much excess baggage. it could be fear, problems, sickness, bitterness..etc.. i resolved to give it ALL to God, remove it from my life. and as much as i want to, i want that too for the rest of us. we all had this excess baggage we carry and seems so fragile we kept it well taken care of. but now we resolved it. i just prayed i laid evething to God. i fear so much about stepping in to something BIG for my life. like being a guide for this weeks encounter. i couldnt find confidence in myself but then again, it was my dream since i became a Christian to do something great for His kingdom, and having been given that kind of task, of responsibility is something for me. because it was something i never tried or done in my entire human life.

we got back home. i almost want to forgot the part that we run to the LRT station to catch up with dhalia because she want to runaway from us, she want to be alone. shes also in a deep battle. so many attack. we make it a point that she is not on her own with this, we are with her no matter what. we prayed for her before we parted.

back to home, we ate dinner, steamed siomai and a well celebrated night. but sir jonarc was missing the fun, missing the action again. he went out.

and that wraps up THURSDAY.

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September 24, 2010 / Friday
5:08AM / Tambayan couch sa taas

here i am. still awake. i just had my drink of Milo, my second since we had dinner. already brushed my teeth, drank SALA bottle size of water.

the story from the wrap up of Thursday continue. we havent sleep yet,  me and mam maj, while everybody else snores already. sir jonarc still not around by the time we check on the clock, it was 4AM. then a few minutes later he arrived. and he said he's okay now, much better, already settled the matter while on his melancholic walk somewhere outside. he has gotten far and thankful as we are that he finds his way back home. but behind all this occuring, something else was happening, hehe, beside me is mam maj all time,  worrying about him.

in my heart i know sir jonarc is just my twin brother when it comes to this melancholic side of being depressed and emotional swings. i can understand him while mam maj is like a rocking chair always worrying, but never gets her anywhere.

anyway, my head right now is heavy. finding some sleep. i am yet to pray. be with me. aja!

Coming Back to Senses

As I was reflecting through the past months that I've been away from my world, my own personal page, my voice in the air, I noticed that it's been almost half a year that I've been letting my passion and love for words to wither along with time as it grew old. I was stuck somewhere between my unwillingness to leave the comfort of being common, of being ordinary and naive, and the idleness of my own mind. I once heard from our Pastor one Sunday, during those times I was lost in thoughts and lost in all aspect, that everything starts in the mind, that's why it is important to keep on renewing the mind, that even idleness needs to be dealt in the mind first. Because thoughts produce actions and when thoughts dont think, hands and feet dont move either.

The last time I put words into a page, it was a struggle for me during those time as I tried to recall them. It was the CROSSROAD moment of my life. I had a job in an automations company where I used to handle the position of a Support Engineer. I was somehow leading a team but I dont consider myself the head of my team because I was looking down on myself during those times. As I was saying, it was really a struggle. Both my soul and spirit, and my salary was struggling. I couldnt provide my family what was expected of me, and financial demands was choking me. It was during those times my own dreams died down, I was lacking the courage to continue. Fire in my heart slowly turning to ashes. But it was also during those times I grew stronger in faith. Leaving behind the life of pen and paper was hard but then, I started to embrace the new life being given to me, the life of complete surrender. I knew in my heart that inspite of all my troubles, and all these stuggles that takes away my dreams and hopes, there is a God, whom I dearly loved, and I knew He is in control of everything and I knew that He loves me and cared for me. And for that I have all the reasons to fight and continue.

I call it devotion. where can a writer start being one? Of course, as a Christian woman, I believe that my devotion has been a very significant part of my life as a person, as a visionary, as a fighter. It is in my daily connection and interaction with my Creator that I see myself getting fixed. It is when I'm deep in the presence of God that I get a direction in life. And now is the time I get back on track, I get back to this life I've always dreamed living. A completely surrendered life to the God, the giver, the maker of my dreams.

It took me almost half a year pondering, wandering, struggling, learning the faith that is now waking my senses. I can smell again the breeze of a new day, a fresh start. I can see ahead the path of hope, that there is a God who will always inspire me to go back to life, to light, and I love it. I can touch life once again, I can feel a new beat inside my heart, dancing in praise to a great new day. I can hear the sound of art all around me, the busyness of the streets and traffic, the sound of family sleeping so tight as I am writing this thoughts, I
hear the Voice of my dream calling back on me, reverberating the strength and endurance for the coming days.

This is me, sharing a life. This is the air I breathe. The words of my dreams. God bless the works of our hands! (Malachi 3:10-11)

soon

will see you all soon..

Unbreakable

God I want to dream again...

take me where I've never been. 

I want to go there. 

This time I'm not scared.