Compromise has always been one of the most expensive downfall i’ve struggled with. Something about the darkness of my own desire seems more appealing at a time compared to the peace that light brings. Then at the end of each day I’m crying out, hearts broken longing to be forgiven but without repentance.
I hate my life. I loathe myself. Bleeding seems to be the most beautiful resolve.
I only talk when spoken to. I long for conversations and a listening ear.
The only company that never fails me every single day is the loud ear popping music that slows down my hearbeat or the silence of my solitude. It calms me most of the time. Other times it just encourage me to cut open my skin and bleed.
I dont want to go home. But i want to feel at home everywhere i go.
My first love.. i have betrayed my first love again and again. And i feel i am a hopeless case.
This everyday routine is exhausting me. I hate human touch. I hate trivial talks. I hate myself for hating too much of what i deserved. And this rotten days are all i deserve.
I’m longing for a different day. Why does time seems to run so slow in this universe where i stand. I waited. And kept waiting. For nothing. Nothing is changing. Nothing is happening. Pages aren’t turning by itself. I’m stuck in this chapter. I can no longer write prolific stories. And even this rant of nothingness is worthless.
I wanna get a high in my self loathing. Bleeding gets me high. My own pains and scars. They are so beautiful. And i’m so sorry my beloved if i sounded glorifying the pleasure in pain i give myself. This is too fucking selfish of me. And i am fucked up in the head.
I was told i am crazy. Something’s wrong with me in the head. That i was too weird. Maybe i am. I’ll embrace every bit of it…. until something change.
I do not have any defenses on my own. I am uncovered. Exposed. Careless. I can drown anytime the water rises.
I hate mirrors. They reflect this ugly girl who keeps hurting and betraying me