Alive Again

It is a great feeling to know that I’m alive. To struggle and to fight and to complete abandonment of self for the greater purpose of my existance. I’m alive again. Blood flows in my veins and my heart beats again. I missed this day. I love the Lord Jesus with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my strength, and with all my mind. He brought me back again.

Yesterday i cried out to God pouring out all my guilt and shame. I asked desperately for Him to take me back, to take me as I am, to take all my shame and pain. He was a merciful God for I have received grace and mercy even in the midst of my doubt and frustration. I thought He would never come for me, that He would never take me for I am filthy and unbearable. But I have received grace and mercy, a favor I am undeserving.

All I am now before God is in awe of His wonderful Love and His amazing grace. He never fails to be there for me. I want to once again dedicate my life to Jesus. And saying His name over and over again is sweet and beautiful. Jesus is the only person that can make me feel loved more than what I can long for.  He makes me feel whole again, lacking nothing.

I know that the consequences are there, during the times I’ve looked somewhere else for this kind of love. That in those searching times, I have hurt people in the process. I have learned so much and in that much I have hurt other people so much too. I never meant it to happen. I can only ask forgiveness now but I have to face the results of my actions.

To those people whom I have hurt in the process, please forgive me. I’m sorry that you have to be part of my mess but thank you because being part of it showed me a greater struggle to overcome. I have learned so much. And in the process I have found the greatest love in my life and my love for Jesus grew even more stronger.

All in all I am alive more than before. I can’t find a better word to describe this ecstatic feeling that I have. My spirit is delightful and my soul rejoices as if dancing again and again in a cloud of His presence.

Jesus is my beginning and my end. (Revelation 1:8)

Revelation 2:4-5: Do not forsake your First Love

I was caught in a fight this morning. I battle my own will over God's will. I know that what I've been fighting for isn't worth it compare to what God intended to give me. I was so stubborn.

I sit here in front of my computer, trying to pour out what happened to me over the past few weeks. I was full of compassion and so prayerful and loved the presence of God in the past weeks that everything went so easy even in the midst of pressures and so loads of burdens from family and friends.

Have you ever had that day in your life that you felt like the presence of God, the enthusiasm and passion for Jesus, and compassion for people suddenly left you? Well I do. And I really don’t understand why there’s only numbness and hardness in my heart. I can still remember the past few weeks, my Friday up to Sunday, I am so full of vigor and spirit to pray for people, to follow up, to read my Bible, to reflect on God’s word. I was so high I even had a breakthrough with my prayer life. I was becoming BOLD in this faith I am holding on to. I am stepping up higher than I can last jump into.

I prayed for a Word from the Lord to thug my sleeping heart, if ever that was the case. And I got what I asked for. He said exactly what is wrong with me. I was broken.

Revelation 2:4-5 “Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.”

Little by little, I’m seeing it taking place. The WORD of the Lord strikes a great fear in my heart. Slowly everything is fading away. Slowly everything is being taken away from my hold.

I have FORSAKEN my FIRST LOVE. I couldn’t remember where it all started. And I have kept a continuous cycle of breaking His heart by turning for the things of this world to fill my longing heart, where only Jesus can fill.

I have been entrusted with much. Being the only Christian in my family, I have become the messenger of God’s love and salvation to them. Being a Cell Group Leader, I have been entrusted with people under my care. But I’m messing up everything God created around me. My life is a beautiful landscape from God’s point of view, except that I tried to add up accessories that are actually junk and not significant and not adding value to what it originally stands for.

So I prayed.  My spirit cried out in anguish. Oh Lord why is my heart breaking like this? It hurts. My heart is hurting for my stubborn longing. I have created a deep longing to be loved and wanted and cared for by someone tangible. Oh Lord I was literally taking the pen of authorship of my life. I’m trying to do it my own way and now that I’m caught tangled with it, it is just painful, so much painful to get out of this mess. My heart burns. My body is yearning for someone to hold to, my lips impatiently craving for a tangible kiss. And everything else around me is falling apart because literally, I was living inside my own created universe.

This is really painful breaking up with what feels good to me. But please Jesus, don’t leave me alone in this battle because I am too weak and I have a 100% tendency to fall back to this deception of living a double life.

Please take me far away from this mess.

Even if I lost it all, my hands will stay lifted to the God who gives and takes away. 

Psalm 38

 ¹ LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger 
   or discipline me in your wrath. 
² Your arrows have pierced me, 
   and your hand has come down on me. 
³ Because of your wrath there is no health in my body; 
   there is no soundness in my bones because of my sin. 
⁴ My guilt has overwhelmed me 
   like a burden too heavy to bear.
 ⁵ My wounds fester and are loathsome 
   because of my sinful folly. 
⁶ I am bowed down and brought very low; 
   all day long I go about mourning. 
⁷ My back is filled with searing pain; 
   there is no health in my body. 
⁸ I am feeble and utterly crushed; 
   I groan in anguish of heart.
 ⁹ All my longings lie open before you, Lord; 
   my sighing is not hidden from you. 
¹⁰ My heart pounds, my strength fails me; 
   even the light has gone from my eyes. 
¹¹ My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds; 
   my neighbors stay far away. 
¹² Those who want to kill me set their traps, 
   those who would harm me talk of my ruin; 
   all day long they scheme and lie.
 ¹³ I am like the deaf, who cannot hear, 
   like the mute, who cannot speak; 
¹⁴ I have become like one who does not hear, 
   whose mouth can offer no reply. 
¹⁵ LORD, I wait for you; 
   you will answer, Lord my God. 
¹⁶ For I said, “Do not let them gloat 
   or exalt themselves over me when my feet slip.”
 ¹⁷ For I am about to fall, 
   and my pain is ever with me. 
¹⁸ I confess my iniquity; 
   I am troubled by my sin. 
¹⁹ Many have become my enemies without cause^[b]; 
   those who hate me without reason are numerous. 
²⁰ Those who repay my good with evil 
   lodge accusations against me, 
   though I seek only to do what is good.
 ²¹ LORD, do not forsake me; 
   do not be far from me, my God. 
²² Come quickly to help me, 
   my Lord and my Savior.

Blogger compromises my Blog page

This is not happening now!!! What happen to BLOGGER? They compromised my page. my template wont work. my page designs are messed up. i am a web designer and i cant do anything about it.. frustrating.

Well sometimes God allowed my world to be messed up too, so to remind me that no matter how i tried to fix it, will only be exhausting. I've spent hours and more trying to fix what blogger wouldn't allow. Total waste of time. The same way I'm trying to put my life back into order, using my own methods. Well guess what... I'm glad I failed. Because it goes to MAGNIFY MY NEED FOR GOD to be involve. How can He not be? He's my God, He knows me inside out. What can I hide from Him?

Jesus please take this mess off of me. I trading my FOOLISHNESS for the FULLNESS that only YOU can give. I surrender.

Well in the case of blogger, i don't have time to figure out why it wont work now. BUT whatever occurred today, its never an accident, i believed so. If not for the messed up page designs, I would not realized how foolish I have been before God. Now I am grateful for He is mighty to save. And He is faithful to remind me how loved I am. For now thats all I need to know.

Cheer Up!

Remember My First Love

Where was i in the past months? I’ll tell you where...WANDERING. as if i dont know where to place my peace, as if i dont know peace at all. I got occupied, pre-occupied, tired, restless, longing, looking, finding, lost again..and the cycle continues. Now I’m running again, running back.

And for 2 weeks now I knew God had something in mind for me. The abyss is digging deep again in the deepest of my being, and inside my stomach feels like everything is pulling together, my heart burns. Like im always hungry for something that no food, no coffee, nothing from this world can fill or make me full. Ironically it is painful yet i am loving it. It gives me some kind of feeling that the pain draws me near to God, that He’s just there ready to fill me anytime i ask. It gives me a sense of knowing home, that yes i am lost but the pain is leading me back home, and the scars are the path to go back.

No. I told myself i’m no longer meditating on the wounds although its a long process of healing. A few days back, someone told me i am a very MEAN person. And i got prideful, i cant accept it. Im just too sensitive. Im just being transparent and sometimes becoming brutally honest, i cant stop pouring out. Here i am again, the offensive person i used to hate. But i did ask that person to forgive me. And that person cursed me. I was stunned. I didnt know how to deal with that person. I just prayed. I rebuked him harshly. But that leave me guilty. What have i been doing all along?

Then i remember quickly as if God taps my heart, that my life now is not all about me and i’m trying to be all about me again, that i’m trying to take control again. That very moment I was broken. And in that brokenness i turned back to God. Trading all my pains, anxiety, and pride over to His hands.

My hands have been unclean, and my heart have been impure. I find myself living for myself. I was hurting people around me and i want to runaway again from this person that I am. I forgot the purpose i am here for. What happen to the “living for the lost, loving til it hurts, no matter what the cost, like You loved me first” covenant i made with You? I am hoping that i havent lost them all. I need to go back to where Jesus can cleanse me again with His blood. And its time i repent to all of this offenses i’ve caused my Savior.

 When was the last time i really cried out to God? Wake me up God. Wake me UP! I dont want to be sleeping in times like these, where the battle wages and blood is the price.

I’m going back to my first love. I dont want to give my heart to anyone in the world. It can only belong to Jesus. And if the lure of distractions is turning my heart to look away, I need to find a way to fall back into INLOVE with Jesus.

Romans 12: 1 – 2 – “...in view of God’s mercy, offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of worship.”

Our life will only be reasonable to God if we live a life of worship. Thats the only thing worth doing.