When God reminds us of something He said in the Word, and we ignored completely simply because we thought we can’t relate to a single word pointed out, we better be careful. God will always make a way to draw our attention to His warning. He will make it a point that we are going to listen for sure and fully. He will make sure that we will pay attention and consider His time.
Romans 1-3. In these three chapter I am completely stuck for almost a month, trying to dig deeper what God is trying to tell me, or what is it about me in these pages. I just couldn’t find myself mutually connected to the warnings, because as far as my feeble mind think so, it is completely not related to my struggle and what i wanted from His Word is something specific to give me my resolve and so I will move on. But God showed me that His ways are so much different from my ways. I ignored what was sufficient for my daily soul food source. Closed fist in anger for not getting what I want, I had to closed my world, and closed my mind from Him.
Little did I know that I was slowly turning into the person God warned me about in those chapters. I was so busy trying to figure out how to get out of my inner battle in a way my hands and my feet only works, I have remove God from the equation. Yet I go to church on Sundays, I do cellgroups, I smiled and managed a laugh on our fellowships and discipleships. It was a well managed manner I formed within me. I’ve seen that I can do the ministry without God in it. It was a deception slowly snatching me, killing me, destroying the character of my Savior in me.
I became the person who, "...For although they knew God, they neither glorified Him as God nor gave thanks to Him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened." in Romans 1:21. My thoughts, my actions, my words, my hands and my feet, all of me... everything in me never glorified Him as God, not even thankful. I lived those days always having my Bible in my bag, but not once did I opened it. Then convictions are starting to knock on my heart. they beat an angry thud'dum thud'dum and it drives me mad. Mad to the point that my big "A" is over me. I’m an attitude person that everything annoys me. Until God knocked my senses, opening my eyes to the amount of destruction I am about to cause if I continue walking down this path I’m wandering. I’ve seen so many of them, my family, my friends, my work, and even my body, all bruised up and slowly breaking into pieces. Everything once again is scattered. I got scared. I’m scared to see my hands filthy, contaminating all these beautiful gifts God has given me. I felt that all the goodness of God in my life is sinking, drowning in the face of depression.
It’s amazing that God is whispering in the midst of my chaos like telling me, “I told you so..." but in a most gentle way. It was like God has warned me of the things to come and I was just so consumed with the present. God sees far more clearly ahead of me than I can see with my own eyes. It seems that my faith back then is boxed with how far the eye can only see. But God teach me to look beyond, to close my eyes and trust His lead.
"For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, “The righteous shall live by faith.” - Romans 1:17
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