I was caught in a fight this morning. I battle my own will over God's will. I know that what I've been fighting for isn't worth it compare to what God intended to give me. I was so stubborn.
I sit here in front of my computer, trying to pour out what happened to me over the past few weeks. I was full of compassion and so prayerful and loved the presence of God in the past weeks that everything went so easy even in the midst of pressures and so loads of burdens from family and friends.
Have you ever had that day in your life that you felt like the presence of God, the enthusiasm and passion for Jesus, and compassion for people suddenly left you? Well I do. And I really don’t understand why there’s only numbness and hardness in my heart. I can still remember the past few weeks, my Friday up to Sunday, I am so full of vigor and spirit to pray for people, to follow up, to read my Bible, to reflect on God’s word. I was so high I even had a breakthrough with my prayer life. I was becoming BOLD in this faith I am holding on to. I am stepping up higher than I can last jump into.
I prayed for a Word from the Lord to thug my sleeping heart, if ever that was the case. And I got what I asked for. He said exactly what is wrong with me. I was broken.
Revelation 2:4-5 “Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.”
Little by little, I’m seeing it taking place. The WORD of the Lord strikes a great fear in my heart. Slowly everything is fading away. Slowly everything is being taken away from my hold.
I have FORSAKEN my FIRST LOVE. I couldn’t remember where it all started. And I have kept a continuous cycle of breaking His heart by turning for the things of this world to fill my longing heart, where only Jesus can fill.
I have been entrusted with much. Being the only Christian in my family, I have become the messenger of God’s love and salvation to them. Being a Cell Group Leader, I have been entrusted with people under my care. But I’m messing up everything God created around me. My life is a beautiful landscape from God’s point of view, except that I tried to add up accessories that are actually junk and not significant and not adding value to what it originally stands for.
So I prayed. My spirit cried out in anguish. Oh Lord why is my heart breaking like this? It hurts. My heart is hurting for my stubborn longing. I have created a deep longing to be loved and wanted and cared for by someone tangible. Oh Lord I was literally taking the pen of authorship of my life. I’m trying to do it my own way and now that I’m caught tangled with it, it is just painful, so much painful to get out of this mess. My heart burns. My body is yearning for someone to hold to, my lips impatiently craving for a tangible kiss. And everything else around me is falling apart because literally, I was living inside my own created universe.
This is really painful breaking up with what feels good to me. But please Jesus, don’t leave me alone in this battle because I am too weak and I have a 100% tendency to fall back to this deception of living a double life.
Please take me far away from this mess.
Even if I lost it all, my hands will stay lifted to the God who gives and takes away.
Psalm 38
1 LORD, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
2 Your arrows have pierced me,
and your hand has come down on me.
3 Because of your wrath there is no health in my body;
there is no soundness in my bones because of my sin.
4 My guilt has overwhelmed me
like a burden too heavy to bear.
5 My wounds fester and are loathsome
because of my sinful folly.
6 I am bowed down and brought very low;
all day long I go about mourning.
7 My back is filled with searing pain;
there is no health in my body.
8 I am feeble and utterly crushed;
I groan in anguish of heart.
9 All my longings lie open before you, Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
10 My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.
11 My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds;
my neighbors stay far away.
12 Those who want to kill me set their traps,
those who would harm me talk of my ruin;
all day long they scheme and lie.
13 I am like the deaf, who cannot hear,
like the mute, who cannot speak;
14 I have become like one who does not hear,
whose mouth can offer no reply.
15 LORD, I wait for you;
you will answer, Lord my God.
16 For I said, “Do not let them gloat
or exalt themselves over me when my feet slip.”
17 For I am about to fall,
and my pain is ever with me.
18 I confess my iniquity;
I am troubled by my sin.
19 Many have become my enemies without cause[b];
those who hate me without reason are numerous.
20 Those who repay my good with evil
lodge accusations against me,
though I seek only to do what is good.
21 LORD, do not forsake me;
do not be far from me, my God.
22 Come quickly to help me,
my Lord and my Savior.
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