Where was i in the past months? I’ll tell you where...WANDERING. as if i dont know where to place my peace, as if i dont know peace at all. I got occupied, pre-occupied, tired, restless, longing, looking, finding, lost again..and the cycle continues. Now I’m running again, running back.
And for 2 weeks now I knew God had something in mind for me. The abyss is digging deep again in the deepest of my being, and inside my stomach feels like everything is pulling together, my heart burns. Like im always hungry for something that no food, no coffee, nothing from this world can fill or make me full. Ironically it is painful yet i am loving it. It gives me some kind of feeling that the pain draws me near to God, that He’s just there ready to fill me anytime i ask. It gives me a sense of knowing home, that yes i am lost but the pain is leading me back home, and the scars are the path to go back.
No. I told myself i’m no longer meditating on the wounds although its a long process of healing. A few days back, someone told me i am a very MEAN person. And i got prideful, i cant accept it. Im just too sensitive. Im just being transparent and sometimes becoming brutally honest, i cant stop pouring out. Here i am again, the offensive person i used to hate. But i did ask that person to forgive me. And that person cursed me. I was stunned. I didnt know how to deal with that person. I just prayed. I rebuked him harshly. But that leave me guilty. What have i been doing all along?
Then i remember quickly as if God taps my heart, that my life now is not all about me and i’m trying to be all about me again, that i’m trying to take control again. That very moment I was broken. And in that brokenness i turned back to God. Trading all my pains, anxiety, and pride over to His hands.
My hands have been unclean, and my heart have been impure. I find myself living for myself. I was hurting people around me and i want to runaway again from this person that I am. I forgot the purpose i am here for. What happen to the “living for the lost, loving til it hurts, no matter what the cost, like You loved me first” covenant i made with You? I am hoping that i havent lost them all. I need to go back to where Jesus can cleanse me again with His blood. And its time i repent to all of this offenses i’ve caused my Savior.
When was the last time i really cried out to God? Wake me up God. Wake me UP! I dont want to be sleeping in times like these, where the battle wages and blood is the price.
I’m going back to my first love. I dont want to give my heart to anyone in the world. It can only belong to Jesus. And if the lure of distractions is turning my heart to look away, I need to find a way to fall back into INLOVE with Jesus.
Romans 12: 1 – 2 – “...in view of God’s mercy, offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of worship.”
Our life will only be reasonable to God if we live a life of worship. Thats the only thing worth doing.
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