TRANSPARENT

I have realized that being transparent doesn’t necessarily mean being HONEST all the time. When I speak things about me, about how I really feel, I am brutally honest with every bit of it. But now I have felt that it’s not really bringing out the real person in me. I have sense a deeper understanding that even in the most sarcastic honest me, I still surfaced a mask of pretention that I wasn’t being true to me or to anyone else.

And now, reflecting about how I have been aligning my life to this kind of person I’m trying to be, I feel so lost for words, I couldn’t just speak up. For the first time in my life I am CLUELESS. I felt like as if I have nothing to offer anymore, I have nothing in me to pour out to, I have nothing. And I am narrowed down to simply NOTHING.

It’s like all my pains and all my struggles, and all my circumstances counts for nothing. It’s like there’s a BIG BIG hole of emptiness in my life. I feel like I am floating in this abyss of space and time does not really matter anymore.

I feel fake about my life. Who am I trying to live for? What am I really trying to live for? I feel like my existence isn’t really significant anymore, that I have no part in everything I touch, no trace of me in everything I interact with, that if I will be gone right now, I will not be remembered, or will never even get noticed.

I am trying to remember my past, and how it molded me, shaped me into who I have become now, but right now, there is a deep conviction in me to erase all that, to stop existing, to be invisible, to be nothing.

I am going somewhere…  I will be disconnected for who knows how long. Or I don’t know if there’s ever a reason to return.

I sit here…CONFUSED… I don’t want to lie to myself anymore. So long self.