Thoughts on “Improving My Productivity” came filling my head since yesterday. I was remembering what Pastor Jun shared with us last Thursday at Crossover Gathering. So how was the past 48 hours of my life?
Tuesday night, after work, had to make it to my 6:30PM appointment with Recca at the OMF literature. And yay! I didn’t make it. The store closes at 8PM and I got there ten minutes late. So anyway, I think God was preventing me to buy that book, maybe telling me this is not the right time to spend my money on another book. So I went to my next appointment, to meet up with my disciple, Dhalia, to have a little talk at dinner maybe. But I don’t know what went wrong that night. Just when I tried organizing my time and calendar and my appointments, things turned out of order. Maybe it wasn’t the schedules fault. Maybe it was really me. One compromise leads to another. So I just wanted to say, I didn’t have that dinner with her, I ran to our meeting place only to receive a message that she’s already on her way to the train station. So I ran back to the station to at least meet her for a few minutes. Actually, being a phlegmatic person that I am, when I say, “I ran”, it means I am walking on a normal pace, only in my head I was thinking of hurrying.
So, after that almost twenty minutes talk at the train station, I walk away disappointed at my calendar appointments and hungry. I ran back to the mall, grab a burger and ran back again to the bus station, looking forward to two hours travel and another two hours travel at the next van station to take me home, to my parents. It was a tiring night. I wanted to sleep right away when I get there, but I need my coffee so bad to at least wash away the day’s events in my head. I thought of crying out to God about what had happened that night. But I lay there wide awake, eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling, thoughts floating, thinking on what I could have done earlier. So many “what-if’s” that doesn’t seem to make sense. I couldn’t sleep at all until the clock says 3AM and I wrestle with my thoughts. I just plugged in my playlist on my ears until it soothes me and yeah, the song says, “He is the one who have saved us, He’s the remedy…Let go of the things that have kept us from Him…” suddenly, I am broken again. I wanted change. I wanted a different day. And all God wanted to tell me is that, “Andie, let go, I am the remedy, not you and not your own efforts to make things work.”
Again back home, the first to wake me up are always the kids pulling my hair again, wanted to play as early as 9AM. I couldn’t help it, they always missed me, and I always missed them badly. These kids, I’m worried that they will grow up not knowing what family is like, not knowing what parents look like, what it feels to have mom and dad take them out on a Sunday for a family day. I’m worried about the future that their parents are preparing for them. Seeing those laughs and smiles at me and plays with me, and wanting to play more makes my morning so melancholic. I don’t get it. These kids wanted attention and care and someone to spend time with them. But all the people here seem to forget the importance of that NEED to be met. All they care about is how daily chores – be it cooking, feeding the backyard animals, cleaning the house, the laundry, grocery, fixing the broken part of the house, reading the newspaper, and so on… get them busy the moment they wake up. I hate the scenario every time I am here. My mom shrew them away when she saw them bothering me in my bed, reasoned out that I needed more sleep. I feel bad what she did to those smiles turned sad-cold walking head down away from my bed. so I called them back and played with them more even if it hurts me to just kept in mind what these kids are missing out. I prayed that their parents both come back and work here instead. Overseas won’t build up their family, no matter how many houses they build with their salary. Anyways, it was just random thoughts.
I’m gonna cut out part of my day during my stay home with my family, because it was the same as the last time I was here, and I was again been overwhelmed by all the situations and the accusations that they put on me. They all don’t trust me with the things I do at church, the ministry I belong to, and the work that God has given me. They wouldn’t understand that it’s all about stewardship. All I can do now for each of them is pray and pray and pray, I lift them all up to God. All I can ask God now is to humble me more, as I tried to be here for my family whenever they needed me. I tried. I know that my efforts will never be enough unless I put it in God’s hands, so I will trust on the ONE who can deliver me and my family from the enemy that is attacking us. They are all helpless as I am helpless, but my God is still mighty to save.
4PM and I’m headed back to the city. I have to catch up with my 7PM appointment with my disciples for our Cell Group. And yeah, I missed this day. So I arrived at the forum 30 minutes early, took a seat on the empty table, bring out my Bible and my journal, and prayed. I don’t care if people see me there praying alone in that table. I asked God to really give me a teachable heart, that the WORD that we are about to learn that day would really minister to each of our situations. It was as if having my own solitary confinement, just reflecting on the Words in Ephesians 5: 8-16.
Ephesians 5:8-16. And this particular verse strikes me, “Be very careful, then, how you live, not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.”(v.15-16).
Yes, it is very true and it all makes sense. The days are evil. Someone is on the loose wanting to snatch away the good seed that God had planted in us. And we are to protect our relationship with God by all means, even if it means protecting it with our own lives. So I say, NO MORE COMPROMISE. It is the time for me to DISENGAGE to anything that contaminates or corrupts my relationship with my God. It may be any good thing but even the good intentions sometimes are a waste of life when it is not lived inside our purpose. As Pastor said it, “Anything we do outside our purpose is a waste of time, waste of energy, waste of resources and a waste of life.”
So for me, this is the time to re-evaluate how I really live my life on an hourly basis, daily basis. Is there anything being accomplished for the sake of the Kingdom of God in every little thing that I am doing? Is my relationship with other people genuine enough to reflect God’s character in it? Do I still love God intentionally and purposefully? I prayed for my cup to be empty again, so that God can fill them again. I lift my hands empty handed again longing to be filled.
This is me scattered and all, melancholic and slow and tired, but is restless. But tiredness can’t stop me, disappointment won’t stop me, sleepless nights won’t slow me down when it comes to praising my God, who gives and takes away. He gave it all. I’m giving my life back to Him… whole and broken.
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